And suddenly you know...

There's a saying..."You plan, God laughs"...I never truly got this until 6 months ago, when my world was turned upside down...when the life I thought I was living turned out to be an illusion.  This month would have marked our 13th year wedding anniversary instead it marks month 1...a new beginning.  Six months ago I could not see this day...in fact I could not even see the next hour, minute, second...

Sometimes the Universe shakes your world to it's core... 

when you are oblivious, unwilling to see or are avoiding the lessons you are meant to learn.  A few months ago my life was derailed in the biggest way.  What I perceived my life to be was now an illusion.  I felt as though the ground gave way under me and I was barely holding on.  I learned and am still learning some really hard lessons.

Betrayal whether from a friend or a loved one is the hardest pain to endure and the journey back to yourself is a long one.  I found myself wondering who I was.  I felt as though I lost my center...as if my inner compass was spinning out of control...I couldn't find my true north...my tether...gone.  I was deceived in the worst way.  The sad part was I knew there was something off, but the reality of it is, I ignored my intuition and allowed myself to be manipulated and victimized.  As I struggled to find solid ground and researched about betrayal and how to move through it...finding your way back in other words, I found there is much healing for me to do.

I didn't deserve what happened to me, no one does, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But my lack of self-love, my disconnect to my inner child...brought me to where I found myself 6 months ago.  Now I question who I am and where I'm going...last year striped me of so many things, the biggest loss was the trust in my relationship, the betrayal of my best friend and soulmate...now I find myself raw.  The past is too painful when I relive it knowing what I know now, the future...so unsure, so far away.  I still at times feel numb, frozen.

So where do you start when you can't find your bearings and your compass is spinning out of control...

Sea Change...Profound Transformation

When I got Sea Change as myWord for the Year, I didn't even know what it meant, I had never heard of it before.  After a little research I found it's meaning to be Profound Transformation.  As the New Year began I moved through my Yearly Rituals...one of them being Amy Palko's Word Goddess reading.  Sure enough it too confirmed that Profound Transformation would find me this year.

My Word Goddess was...

Nyai Loro Kidul...Indonesian Sea Goddess...her words...song, clarity, release, detox and Transformation. "Nyai Loro Kidul’s presence over this year as a divine invitation to disengage from the negative conditioning that is keeping you silent, so that you can choose to let your song sing you. Almost like a cultural or psychological detox where you can release any negative thought patterns
that are just not serving you."

And so it began...as the year unfolded...I was challenged to do a lot of releasing...some of which has been incredibly hard.  Like the loss of my "day job"...a job that was keeping me small and forcing me to give away my power...though it did provide a steady income...and it's been a long hard year financially for us.

My other Yearly Rituals involve...

Receiving my power animal for the year.  The Wolf graced me this year...Free Spirited, Path-finding, Community.  "The Wolf will teach you how to balance individuality with society"...(how appropriate is that for me). "The Wolf will also give you great stamina and perseverance."

And that it did...I had to muster up all I had, to show up...especially towards the end of the year when I just kept being challenged to show up...thank you Wolf for your gifts or stamina and perseverance. What I found myself doing was having to DIG Deep...but what I noticed was that it was different than my usual "just push through it" attitude. Brené Brown nailed it in her book the "Gifts of Imperfection", which I'm currently reading.  There she explains that when we live whole heartedly and find ourselves exhausted and overwhelmed...we DIG Deep..but in a different way.

I became more Deliberate in my thoughts and behaviors and I did this through Sacred Practices...meditation, prayer, setting intentions on the New Moons and releasing on the Full Moons. I even invited Creative Magick into my life more than ever before...through Spinning and Knitting, Super Soul Journey with Whitney Freya and concluding these last 100 days of the year with the commitment of Art Journaling everyday.

I was Inspired to step out of my comfort zone, see the world through new eyes, make different choices, some of which were difficult but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.  Others which challenge my Fears...especially that of not being seen and heard.

And the last as she puts it Going...taking action.  And I have in various ways...one of which was taking a Leadership training class.  I'll will be completing my Wild Woman Circle Leadership training and become a part of an International Community...The Wild Woman Project.  Our bible is "Women Who Run With Wolves"...thank you again Wolf medicine.

I also choose a Mantra to live into and mine was "I am Open".  I recited it often...especially when I felt challenged and overwhelmed and when I wanted to invite new possibilities and opportunities for growth and expansion.  And they came, hard and deep and I embraced each one.

My journey this year has been...

a challenging one to say the least...from the news of my Pre-diabetic diagnose, to the challenges of letting go my most precious companions of the past 20 years...my familiar WillowMyst and our little wise woman Raja. I suppose I really wasn't prepared for the immense transformations that have
occurred for me...but even still, as tears burn down my face while typing this...I...have ...felt...guided.  Even when I felt I hit rock bottom and questioned my existence on this plane...I still was guided to answers...to healing.

And so as the year is rounding down to an end...I continue to DIG Deep...Be Open...and let Sea Change wash over me...

"Embracing the Earth and Moon Energies She ignited her
Passion Reclaimed her Magick and invited
Sea Change to wash over her." ~Allurynn 

What lessons have you learned this past year?  How have you been guided to walk though this life existence?

My Awakenings...

I believe we all have various degrees of moments of awakening in our lives. To me they are wakeup calls to remind us of our purpose or guide us back on course. If I had to choose my very first awakening moment, I would have to say it was as a young child. 

Holiday Happiness...

The Holidays are here...a time of celebration, joy, laughter, and family gatherings.  For some of us, every day life can be stressful, exhausting, even chaotic enough at times, but these seem to be elevated during the Holiday Season. We tend to be more raw, vulnerable, and sensitive during the Holidays and things like family issues, missing our loved one's energy, or grieving our losses during this special time of the year, tend to escalate.

Sometimes we feel we have no choice...

but to go within and withdraw, instead of feeling joy and connection.  If you or anyone you know is experiencing this...I invite you to join Dr. Monique Hunt our host, 3 dynamic Spiritual Teachers and myself, this Sunday for a Super Soul Journey Sunday Virtual Retreat. Where we will be exploring how to redesign the Holidays after loss, because even during grief we can experience Holiday Happiness. 

Registration is FREE!

Upon registration, you will get to hear their uplifting stories.  You'll also get a taste of my ARTbunance™ Co-Creative Coaching style as I guide you through exploring what Sacred Space means to you and Creating your own Sacred Space for our upcoming Virtual Retreat.  Each Spiritual Teacher is offering a special gift for all who register. You will learn more about their offers upon registration.

Join me for a day...

of Spiritual Growth, Personal Development and Inspiration. During the Virtual Retreat you will also have an opportunity to own a digital book called: “9 Spiritual Practices to help you create happiness during grief, the holidays and beyond”, where I share my practices of how you can Infuse Your Life with Essential Oils and Magickal Daily Blessings.

Also join my Event Page...

on Facebook, where you can share your experiences as you work through the ARTsignments™and explore Sacred Space leading up to the Virtual Retreat.  I look forward to connecting with you!

Our New Fur Soul has Arrived!

Remember in my blog post wrapping up 2013 I mentioned we'd have a new addition to our family soon...well she's here.  After the loss of our Auraluna last fall...our home and hearts have felt so empty.  It was hard enough loosing Zia three years ago but when Auraluna passed, well, the emptiness grew.  We knew we would eventually find another fur soul to welcome into our family.  A few months ago I was moved to look around wanting to adopt one and found there are a lot of cross breeds here that I'm not to sure I want around my over active little person. And so I waited...

Then a couple months ago I dreamt...

that both Auraluna and Zia were here in our home and there was a little lab pup under foot.  To me they were telling me that not only it's time to invite a new fur soul into our home but that maybe this time it should be a puppet as we like to call puppies.

We were on our way to looking for a new fur soul...

Our search took us to a local breeder who's latest litter of chocolate labs arrived Nov 21st.  They welcomed us over to meet the mommy and daddy.  Wow I could not believe my eyes.  Mama was just
like our Zia girl, block head, quite and easy going.  Daddy was like Auraluna, more of a pointy snout, outgoing a...spaz.  All in all they are beautiful animals and sooo were their precious pups.  We were the last to request one so fate would only know which we'd end up with.  Which is much like it was with our other girls they found us not the other way around.  January 16th was the day and it couldn't come any sooner.

We went back to visit 6 weeks later...

and found out we had the Yellow girl, a total daddy's girls!  She's full of energy, wild and crazy. Though she was the runt, just like Auraluna was, she was the first to hit her milestones, bright little girl.  Well January 16th came and she's here!

Meet...Kaia Arena! 

Interesting name huh...well, we had Zia Amarilla....Zia ~ Navajo for Sun and Amarilla ~ Spanish for Yellow, and AuraLuna which is pretty a interesting name too...there was a halo, an Aura, around the Full Moon the night we rescued her...of course Luna is Spanish for Moon.  And so when searching for a name for our new fur soul we decided on Kaia ~ Greek for Earth and Hawaiian for Sea...EarthSea which is perfect given she will be living in a forest by the sea and Arena ~ Spanish for Sand.

Needless to say we have our hands full...

with a new baby in the house...she's 8 weeks old!  I know in my heart that Auraluna and Zia are right here along side of her to guide and teach her about our crazy family...get ready for some fun puppy shot!

Blessed Yule...

The past two weeks have been a whirlwind, so much to do and get complete with.  So today, Yule, I decided to just have a day with the family and our new home.  The day started out foggy and gloomy like it's been the past weeks.  We did our traditional Yule celebrations with exchanging gifts and just enjoyed family time together.

I made a yummy fig and walnut spread

with lavender and thyme...it was wonderful.  I also made some tasty appetizers.  Then I went for a walk around our property. With the cold freeze and gloomy days not to mention all the cleaning and unpacking I haven't had a chance to explore.  So when the sun came out mid-day I was called to take a walk along the property lines.

What I found around us was magickal...

beautiful fields with wonderful Cedar and Pine trees, as well as beautiful Madrones.  The climate here in Oregon is very different, just a week ago we were in the mist of freezing rain and ice and snow every where now it's beautiful.  There's still greenery around despite the the leaves have fallen.  I think the moss on the trees makes everything look greener too.

The Creek is starting to fill...

with water already, so it's slowly running. I can only imagine how wonderful it will all look in the Spring when everything starts to bloom and blossom again.

We ended the night...

with a wonderful Yule feast and our traditional releasing ceremony.  

And a warm cup of homemade Wassail....

couldn't have asked for a better day.  Hope you all had a Blessed Yule too or Beltane those of you in the Southern Hemi!

Moving Through Grief

I lit a candle yesterday, my way to illuminate Auraluna's crossing.  I cried myself to sleep and woke up with puffy eyes and an empty space in my heart.

They say grieving is a natural process that 

we all go through when we experience loss.  How we move through it all depends on who or what we are grieving.  I've found grief to be a complex emotion, that differs every time I've experienced it.  For me each time it's been an intense storm like an angry sea, with each wave bring up yet another intense emotion.

There isn't a normal process

to grief, it just takes time...there's said to be stages we go through but we don't all experience them in the same order, we may even skip some or loop back into them if we feel incomplete with it.  It may take us longer to move through one stage then another.  And we don't experience the same emotions each time we grieve.

So I took the stages of Grief...

I read about and researched Essential oils to help me or anyone interested in using them move through grief.  Here's the oils I've gathered.

Bergamot ~ Relieves feelings of despair, cleanses your energy and offers you courage to move through the depression.

Breathe ~ dōTERRA's respiratory blend, helps remind me to breathe...as I sob so hard that I find I hold my breath a lot and feel suffocated by sadness.  It's oils helps to let go of grief and pain, releasing the sadness.

Cypress ~ It's the oil of movement and flow.  Assists with transition, as you make the changes that need to be made and move forward with your life.  

Frankincense ~ Will help calm and center you when you feel overwhelmed with what needs to be done.  It will remind you to breathe deep and offer you a clear mind.  It will help with the depression and the acceptance of what is.

Geranium ~ It allows for the emotions to flow freely easing that roller-coaster of emotions you may be feeling but denying in order to protect yourself from the pain.

Lavender ~ Reminds us to nurture ourselves during this time and to forgive.

Roman Chamomile ~ It helps us find purpose and meaning assisting us to move forward.  Soothing feelings of abandonment.

Rose ~ Helps bring up compassion and allows us to let go with love.

Sandalwood ~ Assists in quieting the mind so you may hear the subtle voice of Spirit.  It offers you stillness and assisting you to cut the cords with the past and help you move forward.

Serenity ~  dōTERRA's calming blend is perfect to help us release the anger that may come up.  It also supports us in forgiving, ourselves and others.

Vetiver ~ Will assist in grounding you, offering you support and strength to move through the depression.

White Fir ~ Another grounding oil, offering you stability and healing.

Wild Orange ~ It restores your physical energy, supports a positive mood and aides in transition, it brings joy back into your life.

How to use these oils...

what I do is find a quite place where I can take some deep breaths and check in with myself, sense what I'm feeling.  Then I look down the list and pick 3 that resonate with me, why 3...because it's a good number that's graced my life, you can choose more but be sure the scent pleases you.  You can combined them or just use them by them selves in the any way that speaks to you.  Be it by diluting them in some coconut oil and putting a drop on your wrists, behind your ears or on your chest.

Diffusing them by placing a few drops in your diffuser and allowing it to scent the room.  I'm diffusing Geranium, Lavender and Frankincense as I'm typing this.  You can also diffuse them on a diffuser pendant.  

Inhalation either directly inhaling them from the palm of your hand or placing a few drops on a cotton ball or Kleenex and placing it close to you, where they are available for you to sniff.  I also like putting a few drops on my pillow at night.

A massage or bath blend can be made as well.  Put 6-8 drops in your bath water include a 1/4 cup of milk and take a soothing aromatic bath.  Or blend  6 drops in 15mls of carrier oil like fractionated Coconut oil or Sweet Almond oil and massage your neck, shoulders, chest, and even your feet.  

As you know I use a variety of tools 

from my medicine bag when dealing with life...and so I'm also wearing a Rose Quartz bracelet that I made myself.  Rose Quartz is known as the "stone of gentle love". It takes away fears, resentment and anger and replaces those feelings with pure love.  It's a stone of compassion that helps you open your heart chakra and allowing for some deep healing.

Another thing that's helped me is surrounding myself with friends, I can't thank them all enough for their wonderful love and soothing words.  I also know that sharing my feelings and continuing to nurture myself through out this difficult time is a must. Through not only the use of Essential oils but also connecting with Nature and going on Spirit walks which are so comforting to me.

I leave you with an affirmation...

I face loss with compassion, allowing myself to express and move through it in all it's forms, with courage and grace as only Auraluna could have taught me, knowing I can trust that I will move on when the time is right.

Goodbye Beautiful Girl...Til We Meet Again

Auraluna  2002 ~ 2013

Today we said goodbye to our sweet girl...as she lost her battle with Cancer.  She was diagnosed with Bone Cancer in March of this year at which time she was given 6 weeks to live, unless we chose Chemo and amputation...we chose palliative care.  You can read more about our choice the alternative meds and healings we offered her, how she surprised 3 Vets by living as long as she did and the lessons she's taught me as we shared our last 6 months together...in my posts Here and Here.

She was happy and loving til the end...

She showed no signs of discomfort or pain.  Even her limp hasn't been very apparent. Although yesterday I did think it was odd that she was right by my side as I stood in the kitchen making dinner...she's usually with my eldest.  The past few nights she's been alternating sleeping from bedroom to bedroom each a different night eventually spending her nights in the middle of all of them. Looking back now...the time was coming and she new it.

Today was the weakest we've seen her

 since her diagnosis. She became lethargic and started having labored breathing. Once at the vet we were told it was time to let her go...no matter knowing this day would come... I was so unprepared to see her go.  But we promised we would let her go when she told us she was ready...and today we saw it in her eyes as she said her last goodbyes the only way she could, with grace and courage.  My heart broke once again having to let go of yet another dear friend.  But I know she's with Zia Bow and they will both be happy to be together again.

You will be sooo dearly missed crazy girl...til we meet again...thank you for sharing your life with us

      Look not where I was, for I am not there,

 I was so very tired and knew my time on earth would fade.

 My Spirit is free now, and I am everywhere.

In the air that you breathe, in the sounds that you hear,

Please don’t cry for me now, my Spirit is near.

I’ll watch for you from the other side, beyond the rainbow.

Where there are meadows rich and beautiful, lush and green.

My own tired, failing body is now fresh, healed and new.

I’m running through the meadows along side animals of every

sort as healthy as could be!

I want to reach out to you, to tell you I’m alright

That this place is truly wonderful, then a bright glow pierces the night.

‘Twas the glow of many candles shining bright and strong and bold

And I knew then that it held your love in its brilliant shades of gold.

For although we may not be together in the way we used to be,

We are still connected by a cord no eye can see.

So whenever you need me, we’re never far apart,

If you look beyond the rainbow and listen with your heart.

So, smile at my memory, remember in your heart,

this isn’t the end, it’s a brand new start.

(thanks to those who shared your poetry allowing me to piece this one together)

Read about her journey Here and Here.

My Lesson in Mindfulness...

Mindfulness...being present in the moment.  I chose Mindfulness as my word for the Moon Cycle month of July. Since our move to Oregon, I've struggled with stress and thoughts of the future making it difficult to be grateful for the now and be present to life.  But Auraluna, our Lab/Chow mix has been my constant reminder to stay mindful.  She was diagnosed with Bone Cancer in April, you can read my first post "Lessons in Healing"; so having to live day to day, with some good and some bad days, has been my biggest lesson in Mindfulness.

At the time our Vet said she would not make the move to Oregon... 

with us, she gave her six weeks, but...here she is almost 4 months later and she's still fighting and going strong.  The tumor has grown, and there are days where her limping is significant but there are others where the limp is hardly noticeable.  Her appetite is great and she still finds the strength to romp around, even run, in our new yard.  

She loves our trips to the beach...

as do I.  I find the Ocean waters very healing...which is good for both of us.  She's funny to watch as she tries to jump over waves or rolls on the sand.  She truly finds joy in everyday no matter where she finds herself.                         

Oregon has welcomed us with open arms...

The people here have been so kind and well, welcoming.  Our move was rough and we are still unsettled due to unexpected stuff around our new home.  So, I have found myself in total survival mode and stress...but when I look at Auraluna...I remember to breathe and stay present, giving gratitude for what we have here and now.

We've added new members to the ranch...

and she is still so much a part of it. She's out in the Garden while it's being tended, or in with the Alpacas, as well as sitting and watching the new chicks and ducklings. I can see how the pain meds keep her from being hyper and overactive (which has been her personality since a pup), but it doesn't damper her spirits...she still gets excited and does her little jump when we walk through the door or does her rolls in the grass and dirt.  She's present here and now everyday and what a gift that is.   

How long we have with her...

still remains unknown, so as long as she's thriving and happy we will enjoy her and she us every minute we can.  She still takes her pain meds, some antioxidant vitamins our Vet recommended, as well as the B.S.S.T. herbal tincture, as always she's wonderful about taking her meds.  I continue to offer her Reiki, as well as the the Essential Oils, all to make her as comfortable as we possibly can.  And of course she's still wearing her little medicine bag with her healing stones.  We just continue to take it one day at a time...no one knows what tomorrow will bring.

Read more Here.

"Mindful time spent with the person (or furlove) we love is the fullest expression of true love and real generosity.

Thich Nhat Hanh

Broken Beyond Repair...Not Quite

I'm still settling into our new life and despite we are finally where we've dreamed of being for the past 10 years, it's not quite what I hoped for.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my new State and all it has to offer. The weather has been sooo awesome, the beach, gorgeous and the forest, magickal. But there are some parts of me that feel incomplete.

In my Holistic Life Coaching studies...

I was introduced to the eight categories that form our foundation, creating alignment in our lives. In evaluating my own “out of sorts-ness” which I've been feeling these past few weeks, I realized that 3 major categories are out of whack, creating instability and boy are they huge instabilities for me. 

They are my Home and Work Environment and Community...

as some of you heard, shortly after moving into our new home, there were some major disappointments with the home, one thing led to another, causing more disappointments, unexpected expenses and ultimately leading to us not feeling settled or happy with our new place. Then there's my Work

Environment...as you all know...I work from home, having an online biz, one needs to have an online presence, so the lack of quality internet access is huge. Despite being told that we would get both Cell and Internet service here...they lack and leave much to be desired...our internet is not only slower then molasses, (now mind you, I'm no stranger to slow internet, living in the country in Colorado, I've always had to learn patience and to deal with what was available) but here our internet is also limited. Yes limited, once we exceed the amount allotted it slows down to nothing...not to mention...it's twice as much as what we were paying before in Colorado, and the quality sucks.  Hubby diligently did his research since his job depends on having quality internet...so we have the best available. And due to his job needs, he gets the lion share of it's availablity. It was a blessing he was able to keep his job, the last thing we want is for it to be jeopardized due to this issue. So it leaves me literally disconnected from my biz and tribe.  Lastly, Community...yes, not only have I been out of touch with my virtual community due to the lack of internet access, but being in a new place I hoped to create some community around me yet I've been feeling stopped because of my unsettledness/out of sorts feelings.   I didn't realized how lacking these can throw me so off center.

With each disappointment I tried my best to rise above it...

to remind myself to breathe to remember that everyday is a new beginning...only to be confront with yet another thing to deal with.  With each disappointment I found myself spiraling down, and before I knew it I felt as if I was barely keeping my face (note I said my face not head) above water...that's right I felt like I was going under at any moment. During this time I could not understand why I couldn't settle down, get back into the swing of things, back to my art and biz.  There is unfinished art pieces that I was working on prior to the move, as well as, eCources I was putting together to offer soon....but I haven't been able to find it in me to move forward.

Then I had a conversation with hubby... 

I shared with him how I was feeling, how I felt in total overwhelm and asked how he's able to handle it.  He said...he can't live like that, he doesn't know how to live in overwhelm and survival mode, that he just only knows how to stand fast in what he wants and is determine to make it happen, creating a space for it to manifest.  That's when it occurred to me. I've been living from my warrior side...my Masculine side...total survival mode, once again. There is no room for Creativity or even Manifestation, when one is living solely from that space. Not to mention when we constantly live in overwhelm and survival mode it starts to tax our bodies...my health and wellbeing, has not been all that good...thank Goddess for my essential oils and other tools in my medicine bag that continue to support me as I move through this.

We all have two sides to our personalities, 

our Feminine and Masculine sides, keeping them in balance is something I've strived for. Due to the cards I was dealt I've had more than my share of hardships in my life, not to mention the negative programing I've had that only added to it. Thus, I've lived from my Masculine side most of my life. That's where we harness our strength our courage to move forward, the determination that nothing is going to keep us down...heck when you are at rock bottom there's no way to go but up right? So we need that strength to get back on our feet to protect ourselves...I've always been the doer...getting things done, always in control. While it's good to develop and be able to tap into that side of ourselves, there needs to be a balance otherwise there is no room to embrace our Feminine side...the creative, manifesting side...the side that flows with life, the creative force the gives birth to our dreams...and as you all know I strive to fully embrace my Divine Feminine.

So, although I found myself once again...

in victim mode, feeling broken beyond repair cos once again I allowed the crap that life can dish out, to push me into a dark place...I've realized that it's all just another page in my book of life...another opportunity to learn and grow from, another opportunity to find balance.

So although, I still don't feel complete,

and we still feel unsettled, and our solutions still have yet to reveled themselves to us...just acknowledging it all was enough to shift me a little more towards finding balance.  I keep reminding myself to breathe...continue to find peace through my daily meditations, chants, oiling and mantras, staying mindful as best I can.  So...broken beyond repair...no not quite... I feel the home situation, is a sign for us to reconsider our plans, the internet issue...may just be a venue to live more and not be so wrapped up in the virtual world...but once again I'm being forces to find balance...cos' I have to make a living and continue my business somehow, how?...I have faith my Spirit Allies will show me the way...and finally the lack of my virtual community...well, again...pushing me out of my shell, forcing me to step out and connect at a different level...so it all just may be a blessing in disguise.