Monday, July 8, 2013

Broken Beyond Repair...Not Quite

I'm still settling into our new life and despite we are finally where we've dreamed of being for the past 10 years, it's not quite what I hoped for.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my new State and all it has to offer. The weather has been sooo awesome, the beach, gorgeous and the forest, magickal. But there are some parts of me that feel incomplete.

In my Holistic Life Coaching studies...

I was introduced to the eight categories that form our foundation, creating alignment in our lives. In evaluating my own “out of sorts-ness” which I've been feeling these past few weeks, I realized that 3 major categories are out of whack, creating instability and boy are they huge instabilities for me. 

They are my Home and Work Environment and Community...

as some of you heard, shortly after moving into our new home, there were some major disappointments with the home, one thing led to another, causing more disappointments, unexpected expenses and ultimately leading to us not feeling settled or happy with our new place. Then there's my Work
Environment...as you all know...I work from home, having an online biz, one needs to have an online presence, so the lack of quality internet access is huge. Despite being told that we would get both Cell and Internet service here...they lack and leave much to be desired...our internet is not only slower then molasses, (now mind you, I'm no stranger to slow internet, living in the country in Colorado, I've always had to learn patience and to deal with what was available) but here our internet is also limited. Yes limited, once we exceed the amount allotted it slows down to nothing...not to mention...it's twice as much as what we were paying before in Colorado, and the quality sucks.  Hubby diligently did his research since his job depends on having quality internet...so we have the best available. And due to his job needs, he gets the lion share of it's availablity. It was a blessing he was able to keep his job, the last thing we want is for it to be jeopardized due to this issue. So it leaves me literally disconnected from my biz and tribe.  Lastly, Community...yes, not only have I been out of touch with my virtual community due to the lack of internet access, but being in a new place I hoped to create some community around me yet I've been feeling stopped because of my unsettledness/out of sorts feelings.   I didn't realized how lacking these can throw me so off center.

With each disappointment I tried my best to rise above it...

to remind myself to breathe to remember that everyday is a new beginning...only to be confront with yet another thing to deal with.  With each disappointment I found myself spiraling down, and before I knew it I felt as if I was barely keeping my face (note I said my face not head) above water...that's right I felt like I was going under at any moment. During this time I could not understand why I couldn't settle down, get back into the swing of things, back to my art and biz.  There is unfinished art pieces that I was working on prior to the move, as well as, eCources I was putting together to offer soon....but I haven't been able to find it in me to move forward.

Then I had a conversation with hubby... 

I shared with him how I was feeling, how I felt in total overwhelm and asked how he's able to handle it.  He said...he can't live like that, he doesn't know how to live in overwhelm and survival mode, that he just only knows how to stand fast in what he wants and is determine to make it happen, creating a space for it to manifest.  That's when it occurred to me. I've been living from my warrior side...my Masculine side...total survival mode, once again. There is no room for Creativity or even Manifestation, when one is living solely from that space. Not to mention when we constantly live in overwhelm and survival mode it starts to tax our bodies...my health and wellbeing, has not been all that good...thank Goddess for my essential oils and other tools in my medicine bag that continue to support me as I move through this.

We all have two sides to our personalities, 

our Feminine and Masculine sides, keeping them in balance is something I've strived for. Due to the cards I was dealt I've had more than my share of hardships in my life, not to mention the negative programing I've had that only added to it. Thus, I've lived from my Masculine side most of my life. That's where we harness our strength our courage to move forward, the determination that nothing is going to keep us down...heck when you are at rock bottom there's no way to go but up right? So we need that strength to get back on our feet to protect ourselves...I've always been the doer...getting things done, always in control. While it's good to develop and be able to tap into that side of ourselves, there needs to be a balance otherwise there is no room to embrace our Feminine side...the creative, manifesting side...the side that flows with life, the creative force the gives birth to our dreams...and as you all know I strive to fully embrace my Divine Feminine.

So, although I found myself once again...

in victim mode, feeling broken beyond repair cos once again I allowed the crap that life can dish out, to push me into a dark place...I've realized that it's all just another page in my book of life...another opportunity to learn and grow from, another opportunity to find balance.

So although, I still don't feel complete,

and we still feel unsettled, and our solutions still have yet to reveled themselves to us...just acknowledging it all was enough to shift me a little more towards finding balance.  I keep reminding myself to breathe...continue to find peace through my daily meditations, chants, oiling and mantras, staying mindful as best I can.  So...broken beyond repair...no not quite... I feel the home situation, is a sign for us to reconsider our plans, the internet issue...may just be a venue to live more and not be so wrapped up in the virtual world...but once again I'm being forces to find balance...cos' I have to make a living and continue my business somehow, how?...I have faith my Spirit Allies will show me the way...and finally the lack of my virtual community...well, again...pushing me out of my shell, forcing me to step out and connect at a different level...so it all just may be a blessing in disguise.  


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