Wednesday, May 25, 2016

And suddenly you know...

There's a saying..."You plan, God laughs"...I never truly got this until 6 months ago, when my world was turned upside down...when the life I thought I was living turned out to be an illusion.  This month would have marked our 13th year wedding anniversary instead it marks month 1...a new beginning.  Six months ago I could not see this day...in fact I could not even see the next hour, minute, second...

Sometimes the Universe shakes your world to it's core... 

when you are oblivious, unwilling to see or are avoiding the lessons you are meant to learn.  A few months ago my life was derailed in the biggest way.  What I perceived my life to be was now an illusion.  I felt as though the ground gave way under me and I was barely holding on.  I learned and am still learning some really hard lessons.

Betrayal whether from a friend or a loved one is the hardest pain to endure and the journey back to yourself is a long one.  I found myself wondering who I was.  I felt as though I lost my center...as if my inner compass was spinning out of control...I couldn't find my true north...my tether...gone.  I was deceived in the worst way.  The sad part was I knew there was something off, but the reality of it is, I ignored my intuition and allowed myself to be manipulated and victimized.  As I struggled to find solid ground and researched about betrayal and how to move through it...finding your way back in other words, I found there is much healing for me to do.

I didn't deserve what happened to me, no one does, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But my lack of self-love, my disconnect to my inner child...brought me to where I found myself 6 months ago.  Now I question who I am and where I'm going...last year striped me of so many things, the biggest loss was the trust in my relationship, the betrayal of my best friend and soulmate...now I find myself raw.  The past is too painful when I relive it knowing what I know now, the future...so unsure, so far away.  I still at times feel numb, frozen.

So where do you start when you can't find your bearings and your compass is spinning out of control...

Well, you start with the Breath...there were days I could not stop crying, others I could not stop raging, yet others where I felt numb.  In the end Breathing was what helped me center even if it was for a short moment.  I'm gonna be honest here and say I've struggled with depression all my life.  I've been on a healing journey finding tools to help me step out of the victim mode and into my power, for years now, always moving towards my authentic self...so being blind sided by the betrayal was devastating to me; it definitely set me back.

And yes, I struggled with choosing to take those first few Breaths in the mist of the grief and the deep sadness I felt for the loss of what was.  My IBS flare ups have been more often and more severe then ever before.  Not to mention my Fibromyalgia flare ups which have been immobilizing at times.  Last month, I had the worse IBS flare up that lasted 24 hours, during the episode, I thought I wasn't going to make it through the night...and I refused to go to the ER...I was ready to let go.  I laid in bed for 3 days afterwords regaining my strength...I lost 9 lbs in 4 days.

On the morning of April 12th, I woke up and asked for a sign...

yes, during these endless days of sadness, I fell to my knees often and asked that this all be over...that I'd be taken away from this, the pain was too much to bare and I struggled to find the strength to keep moving forward. So, after going through such emotional and physical pain...I asked once again, only this time for a sign...something that I could use as a touchstone...a reminder that I could get through this, for I couldn't see the light at the end of this tunnel.  That morning I found my way to the Semicolon Project..."A semicolon is used when an author could’ve ended a sentence but chose not to.  You are the author and the sentence is your life." In other words...your story isn't over yet.

As I went out to our deck to eat my breakfast, I looked over at my kitchen window... and there I saw my confirmation...that Spirit had led me to that website after all.  There on the window, I saw 3 moths...first of all 3 is my number...when ever there's anything the Universe wants to bring to my attention...somehow it's associated with the number 3.  But what was really astonishing was that when I looked closer at them, all I could see was semicolons on their wings.  That was my sign...my life is not over yet; despite the pain, despite the loss.  I looked up what type of moth it was and found it to be the Silk Moth.  Being partial to animal medicine...I looked up it's meaning...not only did I receive a sign...but a message I needed to hear.

"She will teach how to remain fixed and steady in your own progress. In about five weeks, spiritual, mental and emotional changes will have started. At about two weeks later your transformation will be noticeable. Easy or difficult, Silk Moth demonstrates impermanence, all things pass, all processes continue. Nothing will be the same. She will show how to embrace the changes with a legacy of beauty, whether it be newly discovered knowledge and wisdom or a new found awareness of yourself along with the new awakening of the world around you. Silk Moth will teach much in her silence." 

I found a small wooden pendant...

and on it I burned the semicolon with a heart for the top and I now wear it on my wrist attached to my wrist Mala.  I have my moments where I feel empowered and others when I feel so disempowered, overwhelmed with emotions and anxiety.  During these times I touch my wooden pendant and Breathe.  Then if need be take it a step further...I'm learning EFT and I've began to tap every time I feel the anxiety and overwhelm. I say “Even though I feel _______ (name it), I deeply and completely accept myself.”  I repeat this until I feel lighter.

Of course I also continue to invite meditation into my life...sometimes it's sitting outside on the deck, other times it's lying in bed in the early mornings. Sometimes I do guided visualizations, other times I just Breathe...most of the times...I. Just. Breathe.

The lesson I've avoided and walked away from...is forgiveness...the Universe has given me ample opportunity to do so...and I've never chosen to...now I'm faced with the hardest forgiveness of them all, forgiving myself, but not only that also forgiving my partner and of course my parents.  It's through our childhood up bringing that we make the choices we do in our adult life.

I'm also working through Inner Bonding and Wild Soul Movement...

"A 6-step spiritually based therapeutic modality that heals shame, and the resulting self-abandonment, that is often the root cause of anxiety, stress, depression, low self-esteem, addictions, and relationship problems" The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook: The 6-Step Inner Bonding Process for Healing Yourself and Your Relationships.  So far I have found it very revealing and healing, allowing me to understand the causes of my suffering and how to make a difference in my life.  In the past I've been good at packing my bags and starting over...this time I chose to stay, learn my lessons and find my way through healing.  What that will look like I don't know, right now I live day to day.  The past is too painful and the future isn't clear anymore.

Wild Soul Movement a program offered by Liz De'Alto from Untame Yourself: Reconnect to the Lost Art, Power and Freedom of Being a Woman.  The Wild Soul Movement is her self study program that helps you get out of your head and into your body.  Supporting my word for the year...Embody.

If you or anyone you know is moving through betrayal here's a great link to understanding betrayal and moving through it....Life beyond betrayal.  It helped those around me understand what I was going through as well.

In conclusion...

this past year, aside from being emotionally challenging for me, has been financially challenging for us since I lost my day job.  So in light of it all, we decided to put our home on the market and downsize.  We purchased a Travel Trailer and commit to living in it for a few months, if not possibly longer, while finding our next home.  If all pans out, this will allow us to pay off debt, minimize and simplify our lives, as well as allow us to take our time in finding our next home.

As my new path unfolds before me, I decided to take my time explore who I want to be in the world and where I'm going.  So I will be sharing my new journey on a new blog. Living Wild and Sacred...the Moonlit travels of my Gypsy Soul.  My travels...both on the road and within as the Moonlight leads me on my path to my true north.

Though it's still in it's beginnings, I invite you to come on over and join me if you so feel moved to.  I will continue to share about Sacred Space, Sacred Practices and Spirituality, as those are dear to me.  I will also share my healing journey and of course my creative ventures, as you know my wild soul stirs and I get bored if I'm not exploring and doing different things; and of course I'll be sharing life on the road and Roadschooling should we choose to full-time it. This will be my last post on Moonlight Musing...will I be back...only time will tell where I will be at the end of this venture.

Should our paths not meet again on my next blog, I wish you the best on your own healing journey and I thank you.  I thank you for seeing me, witnessing me and journeying along side of me all these years.


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