And suddenly you know...

There's a saying..."You plan, God laughs"...I never truly got this until 6 months ago, when my world was turned upside down...when the life I thought I was living turned out to be an illusion.  This month would have marked our 13th year wedding anniversary instead it marks month 1...a new beginning.  Six months ago I could not see this day...in fact I could not even see the next hour, minute, second...

Sometimes the Universe shakes your world to it's core... 

when you are oblivious, unwilling to see or are avoiding the lessons you are meant to learn.  A few months ago my life was derailed in the biggest way.  What I perceived my life to be was now an illusion.  I felt as though the ground gave way under me and I was barely holding on.  I learned and am still learning some really hard lessons.

Betrayal whether from a friend or a loved one is the hardest pain to endure and the journey back to yourself is a long one.  I found myself wondering who I was.  I felt as though I lost my center...as if my inner compass was spinning out of control...I couldn't find my true north...my tether...gone.  I was deceived in the worst way.  The sad part was I knew there was something off, but the reality of it is, I ignored my intuition and allowed myself to be manipulated and victimized.  As I struggled to find solid ground and researched about betrayal and how to move through it...finding your way back in other words, I found there is much healing for me to do.

I didn't deserve what happened to me, no one does, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But my lack of self-love, my disconnect to my inner child...brought me to where I found myself 6 months ago.  Now I question who I am and where I'm going...last year striped me of so many things, the biggest loss was the trust in my relationship, the betrayal of my best friend and soulmate...now I find myself raw.  The past is too painful when I relive it knowing what I know now, the future...so unsure, so far away.  I still at times feel numb, frozen.

So where do you start when you can't find your bearings and your compass is spinning out of control...

Finding the Courage...

It has been my experience that when I get in the way of my dharma, my true purpose...the calling of my soul...the Universe continues to offer me opportunities to show up.  These opportunities may be presented in different ways but at the core...they are all supporting my one true calling.   Ego (fear) has played a big roll in holding me back and I've struggled...and still do, to show up in spite of it.  So, I want to share with you something beautiful that has come from an intention I set, finding the courage to make peace with my fear (it's a work in progress, mind you) and reclaiming my wildish nature.

My personal healing journey...

this past year lead me to much profound transformation, living into my word of the year Sea Change. I shared a little about it here.

My self-discovery and self-exploration process led me to the discovery of how by my pulling away and choosing a life of solitaire...mostly because I refused to conform to what some see as the "norm", thus for me it was easier to pull away and in doing so...I not only suppressed the calling of sisterhood; a calling I've heard for many years, but I also became disconnected from my inner Wild Woman.  Oh don't get me wrong...my
Wildness hasn't ever fully left me, it can't it's in all women...but she has been tamed to an extent.

On my journey, I found my way to the WILD Woman Project Founded by Chris Maddox and later I answered the call to become a Leader/facilitator of this amazing global movement. If you've been following my journey through my blog and Moonlight Living Pearl's of Inspiration, then you know when this all started, in early 2015, when I sent out a prayer.

I set an intention...

that I be surrounded by Priestesses... sisters, who are on a similar soul path as I am.   I asked that Women be attracted to me and my soul work, who can benefit from, being empowered by and feel support on their own journeys by my offerings.  I asked to be surrounded by these Priestesses...sisters, who are called to circle with me, as we support and nurture ourselves and one another, as well as embrace our Divine Feminine, our inner Goddess. Women who live in this space and walk this path, don't waste their time on negativity...judging, ridiculing or shaming another, instead we lift each other up, encourage each other when our fears become too big and pick each other up when we fall.  This is the connection I yearned for and this is the connection that is being gifted to me.

As the year unfolded...

I found I was meeting and connecting with exactly the women I called out to.  Little did I know when I set that intention that I would actually be leading Women Circles...but as the year progressed the calling to step into leadership became stronger than my fears.  And so, I went on a journey with some amazing women from around the world during my WILD Woman Circle Leadership training. It was powerful and needless to say...it reconfirmed that I'm on the right path once again.

Early December...

I'll be holding my first WILD Woman New Moon circle locally here in my home.  I'm so excited and honored to be doing so.  And yes...the fear does come up in waves...my chant of Surrender, Embrace, Trust, Release which I committed to reciting, earlier in the year, each time the waves of fear arise and holding on to my Why, supports me as I move forward.  Will I falter...probably...but I'm committed to "DIG" deep, find the courage and to stay connected...and with every baby step, I am coming home to myself more and more.

I know I'm fully in Deep Play right now...connected to my inner guidance as I continue to be inspired and guidance keeps coming.  I see this growing and blossoming...as I feel called to create self-guided personal New Moon Retreats, for those unable to attend my live circles due to distance or other reasons.  I also feel called to offer Full Moon gatherings where I'll be inviting guests to share some Creative Magick of their own.  Which brings me to another offering that's coming up in the new year...but more on that later.  For now I invite you to join my Wild Woman Tribe so that you can be informed when my local and virtual offerings are coming up as well as all of it's upcoming juicy offerings.

Sea Change...Profound Transformation

When I got Sea Change as myWord for the Year, I didn't even know what it meant, I had never heard of it before.  After a little research I found it's meaning to be Profound Transformation.  As the New Year began I moved through my Yearly Rituals...one of them being Amy Palko's Word Goddess reading.  Sure enough it too confirmed that Profound Transformation would find me this year.

My Word Goddess was...

Nyai Loro Kidul...Indonesian Sea Goddess...her words...song, clarity, release, detox and Transformation. "Nyai Loro Kidul’s presence over this year as a divine invitation to disengage from the negative conditioning that is keeping you silent, so that you can choose to let your song sing you. Almost like a cultural or psychological detox where you can release any negative thought patterns
that are just not serving you."

And so it began...as the year unfolded...I was challenged to do a lot of releasing...some of which has been incredibly hard.  Like the loss of my "day job"...a job that was keeping me small and forcing me to give away my power...though it did provide a steady income...and it's been a long hard year financially for us.

My other Yearly Rituals involve...

Receiving my power animal for the year.  The Wolf graced me this year...Free Spirited, Path-finding, Community.  "The Wolf will teach you how to balance individuality with society"...(how appropriate is that for me). "The Wolf will also give you great stamina and perseverance."

And that it did...I had to muster up all I had, to show up...especially towards the end of the year when I just kept being challenged to show up...thank you Wolf for your gifts or stamina and perseverance. What I found myself doing was having to DIG Deep...but what I noticed was that it was different than my usual "just push through it" attitude. Brené Brown nailed it in her book the "Gifts of Imperfection", which I'm currently reading.  There she explains that when we live whole heartedly and find ourselves exhausted and overwhelmed...we DIG Deep..but in a different way.

I became more Deliberate in my thoughts and behaviors and I did this through Sacred Practices...meditation, prayer, setting intentions on the New Moons and releasing on the Full Moons. I even invited Creative Magick into my life more than ever before...through Spinning and Knitting, Super Soul Journey with Whitney Freya and concluding these last 100 days of the year with the commitment of Art Journaling everyday.

I was Inspired to step out of my comfort zone, see the world through new eyes, make different choices, some of which were difficult but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.  Others which challenge my Fears...especially that of not being seen and heard.

And the last as she puts it Going...taking action.  And I have in various ways...one of which was taking a Leadership training class.  I'll will be completing my Wild Woman Circle Leadership training and become a part of an International Community...The Wild Woman Project.  Our bible is "Women Who Run With Wolves"...thank you again Wolf medicine.

I also choose a Mantra to live into and mine was "I am Open".  I recited it often...especially when I felt challenged and overwhelmed and when I wanted to invite new possibilities and opportunities for growth and expansion.  And they came, hard and deep and I embraced each one.

My journey this year has been...

a challenging one to say the least...from the news of my Pre-diabetic diagnose, to the challenges of letting go my most precious companions of the past 20 years...my familiar WillowMyst and our little wise woman Raja. I suppose I really wasn't prepared for the immense transformations that have
occurred for me...but even still, as tears burn down my face while typing this...I...have ...felt...guided.  Even when I felt I hit rock bottom and questioned my existence on this plane...I still was guided to answers...to healing.

And so as the year is rounding down to an end...I continue to DIG Deep...Be Open...and let Sea Change wash over me...

"Embracing the Earth and Moon Energies She ignited her
Passion Reclaimed her Magick and invited
Sea Change to wash over her." ~Allurynn 

What lessons have you learned this past year?  How have you been guided to walk though this life existence?

New Moon in Libra...

Today marks 50 years, I've been on this Earthly plane and at 8:06 pm EST the exact New Moon in Libra!

The Libra New Moon activates the Principle of Balance...where do you need more balance in your relationships? The Libra New Moon is perfect for exploring how to invite more pleasure, sensuality and beauty and bring balance in all your relationships by tapping into the Archetype of the Goddess Venus or her Greek counterpart Aphrodite.

 This is a time to ask yourself where can you...

deepen your relationships...find balance between Mind, Body and Spirit.  Your relationships with the people in your life...and your relationship with your body, your finances, your home, your car, even your business, as well as your relationship to Spirit.

Look to see where you can be...

more softer, understanding, more connected, experience more pleasure and joy. 

Resources to help you dig deeper this Libra New Moon

Lisa Micheals ~ Elemental Forces of Creation

Mystic Mamma ~ A clear channel and reflective well of wisdom

Here's the Essential oil blend I created for this New Moon in Libra...

to maintain a balance between our Mind, Body and Spirit. 

Geranium

~ Oil of Love and Trust, it connects the logical mind to the heart, instills unconditional love and fosters trust.

Bergamot 

~  Oil of self-acceptance, teaching us to let go of self-judgement and offering us courage to share the inner-self

Rose 

~ Oil of Divine Love, the highest frequency oil on the planet, it restores us to authenticity, wholeness and purity.

So, this New Moon harness it's energy, awaken to Venus and embrace balance!

"She raised her eyes up to the Moonless velvet sky...

then whispered her seeds of intention...

Magickally sowing them into the Universe." 

~Allurynn Daugherty

Returning to Love...

The other day I was on Periscope and caught a snip bit of Gabby's (Gabrielle Bernstein) Wanderlust talk.  The part that stuck with me is when she shared how when ever she'd go through some dark times in her life that is when she turned to "God"...Divinity, Higherself what ever name you have chosen to give it.   Only in her time of need would she turn to her Higher Power, connect to Source and ask for help.

That's the first time I realized...

That I'm the complete opposite...I live everyday connected to source...but when I hit a rough patch in my life...that's when I disconnect.  I have observed many people go through life so disconnected with the Divine...so oblivious of the miracles all around them everyday.  There are some people who don't
even raise their eyes to the sky to appreciate the miracle of a new day or the beauty of a sunset...let alone the magickal glow of a full moon.  I take Spirit walks, barefoot breathe and I even have a practice I call Magickal Daily Blessings to name a few.   My connection runs deep...it's always been there. I mostly connect to Source through nature and my creativity.  I remember even as a child I would sit amongst the huge oak tree in the school yarn feeling safe and protected within it's sentinel energy.  I knew that the "God" I was being raised to believe in was so much more, than I was being taught.

So why, why when I need to be connected...

to Love the most, do I unplug, pull away.  That answer has alluded me, as I sit here once again detached, feeling alone as I face the struggles of our finances, the physical limitations of my body, and my inability to make a difference in our current financial situation.

Life happens...it always does...

we learn our lessons, or try to, cos if you don't show up, it keeps showing up, like Gabby put it.  But we move through the happenings...there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, always. Trust me, I've been through so much in my life and no matter how dark it got, that light always came.

My lesson then, that I can't seem to learn, is to move through these times with grace and ease...to turn to love and not fear.  To stop spiraling into the illusions that the mind creates when we give into fear.

But that is easier said than done...

We fall into our stories, our limiting beliefs.  I have been a doer all of my life, I grew up way too fast, not by choice.  I was my parents guardian at a very young age...I didn't have a normal childhood. For me it's hard to connect to the innocence of childhood.  I had responsibilities bigger than me and I've continued to be "responsible".  I don't know how to be...let go and go with the flow.  Yet, ever since I lost my "day job" that's exactly what I'm being called to do...just be.

Normally, when I would be in a similar situation, I'd just do what had to be done to take care of the kids and I.  I've been known to work 3 jobs and run myself ragged, sacrifice a lot to come out the other side...not to fall down on my knees and ask for a Miracle...not to trust that all will be well and the Universe will provide...I provided with my own blood, sweat and tears.  Or at least...that's how it felt, in the end the light did come but not without a price.  I've lost my homes, yes homes, car, career.  It's hard to not give into fear when you know what it's like to have major losses.  All I know is how to survive despite them...not thrive.

Yet, doing it that sort of way...  

isn't an option for me this time. There are some days I wake up and can't move, my back is stiff where I hardly can get out of bed or my hands are painful, numb and weak.  I can't sit or stand for long periods of time without being in terrible pain in my back. I have chronic neck, shoulder and knee pain.  Holding down a regular job is not something I can do in this body anymore.   And so, I find myself spiraling...falling into the victim mode and blaming the Universe for giving me such a shitty hand at life.   Yeah, I get it, I should be much more grateful than I am...I have plenty to be grateful for.  There are plenty of people worse off than I.  But in the moment of fearfulness...I can't begin to compare, I loose site of what I have and see the lack fall into a scarcity mindset.

In my heart, I know I'm a co-creator of my life...

I've seen when I'm in alignment with Divinity how Miracles do happen.  I've witnessed the power of my words or my intention.  And I know, as hard as it is to accept, that I created this reality AND I can shift it.  I also know that the key is to return to Love...to God, Divinity what ever you choose to call it.  I can see though that this time...despite seeing the signs, I allowed myself to spiral just a little to far and taking the first step back seems incredibly hard.  Once we give in to our limiting beliefs and fall into victim mode, the first step back is always the hardest.

So how do I do it...

I come back to my Spiritual practices. Smudge...cleans and clear my energy. Meditation...though I still have monkey mind, spending time meditating ever day brings me one step closer to Love shifts my thoughts even if it's for those few moments.  Chanting as well as using Essential oils help raise my vibration again aligning me with my Higherself.  Yoga, brings me back into my body, helps me gain mobility, connects my Mind, Body and Spirit AND pushing myself to go do Yoga with others...again puts me one step closer to Love through community.  Art...either painting at the canvas or in my art journal...connects me with my feelings and the intentions I want to embrace, sharing it with others inspires them to do the same.  Sometimes...all I can do is the simple act of lighting a candle or going outside and sitting in silence...that in itself is a step closer to Love. 

Return to Love...

once we do, we start to thrive not just survive...we let go of the attachments to what hasn't worked out the way we planned and we open ourselves up to receiving inspiration and start to create our lives in a different way.  This is my hardest lesson...but I am showing up.

Spin, Spin with Me!

First Spun and Plied Yarn

It's so interesting how simple activities can become practices of mindfulness and put you in a meditative state.  Two of my favorite practices are...Spirit walks...meditative walks where I am open to receiving signs from Spirit in the form of messages from the animal kingdom or from my elemental guides and Barefoot Breathing...deep breathing while my bare feet are firmly grounded on Mother Earth.  There's really something to being here now...in the moment, open to all that is.

Lately, I've found how Spinning yarn can be a practice

Hackle Fiber Processing Tool

in Mindfulness...a sort of Meditative practice. What is it, that draws me to the spinning wheel night after night? It's almost addicting.

Let me back up a minute though...as of about 2 weeks ago...I would say..."I'm not the spinner, my husband is, cause I can't spin".  I was convinced I would never be a spinner.  I tried a few years back when hubby and I began our journey to have a self-sustained/self-sufficient homestead.  After hubby learned to shear our Alpacas, he learned about the tools to process the fiber.  Then started handcrafting them and offering them in our Etsy shop.  Shortly after, he decided to purchase a spinning wheel, so we could spin up our processed fiber.  But for me it was a mission impossible.  I didn't have the patiences for it and just gave up.  But he...well, he turned into an amazing spinner and so...I'd say "I'm not the spinner, my husband is", when ever I was asked.

Stress Management...Embracing the Alchemy of My Body

Today marks 2 1/2 months on my journey "Embracing the Alchemy of my Body".  As I mentioned in my last post "Nutrition..." I'm back to share more of what I'm learning along the way.  I started my journey on April 12th and incorporated 4 components which I believe lead to a healthier lifestyle.  They are Nutrition, Exercise, Stress Management and Essential oils.

My commitment for stress management...

was to engage my tools of...Meditate, Yoga, Breath Work, and Barefoot Breathing.  Also to get adequate sleep, do self body Massages, using Essential Oils both topical and diffused and the Hot Tub, as well as to communicate my needs more.  I felt all these would help me with reducing stress.

How has that showed up in my life so far?

Well...I'm still striving for small steps leading to bigger ones.  Since I know when I follow my tendency of all or nothing...I'm not as successful.  So far, I found working up to it, has helped me integrate changes so that they become permanent healthier life choices. At least that how it's been with my nutrition.  Though it's been 2 1/2 months now...it still doesn't feel like I've totally embraced the healthy habits of reducing stress.  I mean I have my moments, mostly the stress level is low, but there are some days, mostly it's around finances when I struggle.  As most of you know, I no longer have my "day job", I've stepped fulling into my business, as well as our small family owned business.  While that is a great thing...the steady income isn't there and as a whole the family is feeling it.  Thus, I put pressure on myself and that translates into stress affecting my sleep, cravings etc.

The good thing is...when I use the tools...they work...

that should be a no brainer right?...but still I'm not as consistent as I would like.  Well, I take that back...I have actually been consistent with meditating daily...which is a huge accomplishment for me!  Though I did miss a few days this past weekend when we were out on the road.  I like to meditate in the morning but the show had us wiped out and I couldn't muster my morning meditation before heading back out to the show.  On that note, I just reminded myself of the very clear commitment I made at the start of my journey...to give myself permission to mess up, to not come down hard on myself when I stumbled or screwed up...be it nutrition, practices or what have you.  Everyday is a new day and everyday I get to choose again.  The reality of it is I'm striving for a healthier lifestyle, that takes practice.  We got back last Sunday and I've returned to my daily morning mediation practice.

Now, in regards to meditating...here's what I've learned...

I tend to have what they call Monkey Brain...so I found that doing guided meditations is the ticket for me.  I finished reading Deepak's book "What are you Hungry For"...which I loved and still refer to...it launched my daily mediation practice.  After a few weeks of working up from 5 mins to 15 then 20 mins of meditation...I went to Youtube and found a wonderful collection of meditations both by him and by his teachers in the Chopra Center.

During my Meditation search I also came across a few Apps I now use.  Conscious Health by Deepak, though it's FREE there are some in App purchases.  I like how in Deepak's meditations he has a lesson to teach, a centering thought and a chant.

The Insight Timer App is great for when I want to try silent meditation or breath work...when I'm barefoot breathing or just outside sitting in nature.

I absolutely love Relaxed Melodies Sleep Zen Sounds...because its a collection of various sounds from waves, rivers, rains, to birds, crickets, frogs to winds, chimes and thunder storms...to sooo much more.  And you get to choose, combine and mix the sounds you want as well as set the timer for how long you want the background music to play while meditating.

The other practice I've incorporated is Self Massages...

I created a blend that will help tone and tighten my skin as I loose weight.  I know it's inevitable that I will be left with loose skin, given the amount of weight I'll be losing and my age.  So every evening I give myself a self massage from head to toe...hubby helps me with my back, a perk I say.  I found that this practice also helps me get in tune with my body...helping me accept it for what it is, instead of wishing it was something else.  On a side note...using the oils every night...has strengthen my nails and is making them grow much faster!

The other tools I'm incorporating are...

spending more time in the Hot Tub...especially before bed, as I found it helps me relax and fall asleep faster and deeper.  Communicating my needs...still one I'm working on but I'm blessed to have a super supportive and understanding husband.  Lastly, my Yoga practice...which also falls into my exercise, but it as well as my exercise is a work in progress, but I'll share more of that on my next update.

Another fun thing I've been doing is taking screenshots of the times that I see number sequences, I call them Sacred Numbers, on my phone...which is often...then I go to my Angel Numbers App by Doreen Virtue and find their meanings...the majority of the time they are reminders that thoughts become things, that we are manifesting with each thought, positive or negative.  And that I AM supported...even when I'm struggling.

Oh, I almost forgot!  You're probably wondering how the weight loss is going...we'll at 2 1/2 months I've lost 18 lbs so far.  It's shedding slowly but I'm good with that, mostly cos' the slower you loose the more chance you give your skin to tighten and I feel the slower I loose the more permanent it will be.  My ultimate goal is to lower my BMI...body mass index which measures body fat.  None the less it feels great to fit comfortably into my cloths even after a meal.  And as far as my nutrition goes, as I mentioned before all in moderation...I'm not depriving myself cause I refuse to do any more diets.  I'm still being creative and eating as close to Earth as possible and being aware of what I'm truly hunger for!

Nutrition...Embracing the Alchemy of My Body

Honey Mustard Zoodles

Today marks 1 month on my journey of "Embracing the Alchemy of my Body".  In my original post I shared my life journey in finding balance within my body and asked you to be my witness.  I also said I would share more in depth what I learn on my journey pertaining to preventing Type II Diabetes. In that post I shared I was diagnosed as a Pre-Diabetic on April 3rd.  Though I've tried every diet out there, I've been struggling with my weight for over 10 years and so on April 12th, I started my journey of incorporating 4 components which I believe lead to a healthier lifestyle.

The 4 components we visited included...

Nutrition, Exercise, Stress and Essential oils.  I always read that as with everything new, whether it's incorporating a new Spiritual Practice, breaking a old habit or in this case incorporating new healthy habits...persistence, consistence and making gradual small changes leading up to the bigger ones is the way to go for a successful outcome.  My nature is to go full steam ahead...I'm an all or nothing kind of girl.  I mean I go big, which unfortunately, at times that is too my detriment.  So, taking smaller steps is new and different for me...and so far it's worked.

The 4 M's to Shifting Your Energy...

Though I've been busy the last few weeks with getting new production complete for the shop and getting the new book I'm collaborating in, published; I have felt flat, stressed, and living from a scarcity mindset.  It's times like this when the tools in my Medicine Bag come in handy.

First and foremost, I have to share that to me it's important...

Empowering Essential Oils for the New Moon

Photo was taken on January 20, 2012 in Horsham, England, GB.
Copy Credit : John Skouros

I love harnessing the Moon's energy in it's various phases to empower me on my life journey. As I prepare for the upcoming New Moon tomorrow, I thought I'd share one of my Moon rituals. The New Moon is all about Beginnings. It's a time to harness the motion and flow of the Moon's Energy and start a new project, make investments or purchases, start new jobs, incorporate a new habit or change in your life.  It's a perfect time to revisit your vision and explore new ways that will help you move closer to it.

Dreaming Big is something I encourage everyone to do... 

but to do so takes courage. New beginnings though exciting...the outcome is uncertain and we may feel anxiety, unsureness, even fear of what it will bring. Not to mention Change isn't always easy. I suppose the excitement of a new beginning and the fear of the unknown, go hand in hand during times of Manifesting.

I turned to my Principles for guidance...

these are the 11 Principles I've shared with you before that I use in my coaching practice and everyday life. These Principles are building blocks to self-awareness. I chose the ones I felt needed to be juiced up for the purpose of manifesting during the New Moon. The ones that called to me were Change, Action, Vision, Attraction, and Gratitude.

Then I look at the Essential oils related to these Principles...

Embracing the Alchemy of My Body

On my journey in living a Vibrant Juicy Life, I have had many challenges...Emotional, Spiritual and most recent Body.  I feel as I age, balancing my health gets harder and harder...it's almost like everything starts going south...and I'm not just talking about the affect gravity alone has on us women, LOL  In the past few years,  I've struggled with my teeth, my vision, chronic shoulder, back, knee and ankle pain...all caused from various injuries, pain that sorta just snuck back in, in the form of residual pain, (from the infamous inflammation I'm sure), among other unexpected ailments.  After all we are spiritual beings having a human experience and with that comes living in these shells we call bodies.

This is a perfect example of why I embraced the path of a Holistic Alchemical Healing Channel...

I seek to find balance of the Mind, Body and Spirit...and assist others in doing the same...transforming energy, emotions, consciousness and vibrations from one form to another.  I'm what's known as the "Wounded Healer" I suppose.  My offerings come from life experiences not so much my trainings.

Now, I have been given a new challenge...I went in for my routine health check to include the normal blood tests...only this time I got a call saying I'm Pre-Diabetic.  I new sooner or later my unshakable excess weight would catch up to me.  It's not been easy for me to choose to live a Vibrant Juicy Life and promote others to do the same, yet feel ashamed of my excess weight, my fail attempts to loose it and being subconscious about own body.  

~If you don't want to read my story...skip down to "Embracing the Alchemy of my body..."and be my witness

Only a few know that I've been a size 3 or smaller most of my life...

USMC...19yrs old

hard to believe when you look at me now.  I graduated High School at 98 lbs, spent the rest of my adult life at around 105 lbs. I was even put on double rations while in the service to gain weight because I'd drop under 100 lbs.

Now what you see in my recent selfies, and the first picture, is 12 years of struggling with excess weight, years of trying every diet out there to loose a little only to gain it back and then some...years of struggling with my shame and self conscious about being obese.  I want to interject here and say, I've been down the self acceptance and self love road...it's something I find important and practice more now then ever; but in my heart I have known and still know I don't feel comfortable in my skin at this weight.  Still to this day I don't know how to dress properly for my full figure and when I look in the mirror...I don't know who that person is anymore.

I spent my young adult life living pretty healthy...  

I didn't have many body image issues, other than wishing my nose or eyes were smaller, my hair was straighter etc, you know the things we think about when we are young and compare.  But I've grown to love those parts of me.  When I look back I have to be honest and say though I made some not so good food choices...I lived a much more active life.  Despite my busy life working at the hospital and being a single mom, I managed to make time for exercise and I always made wholesome meals too, processed foods were not common in our home. 

I know that as we age and our bodies change...

they seem to slow down and can't keep up...I get that some weight gain is expected.  I also know stress and cortisol and hormonal changes.  I lived with way more stress then, than I do now, drank coffee by the liter and even smoked, all of which I left behind.  Yet I was healthier then, then now.  I also traded in my stressful hospital job that called for me to be on my feet a lot and away from my kids, for a sedentary job at a jewelry bench so I could be more available to my kids. But didn't take the initiative to continue increasing my workout to balance it out. We all make life choices some good, some not so good.  Mine have brought me here facing the potential health threat of developing Type II Diabetes.

My Awakenings...

I believe we all have various degrees of moments of awakening in our lives. To me they are wakeup calls to remind us of our purpose or guide us back on course. If I had to choose my very first awakening moment, I would have to say it was as a young child. 

Serenity by the Sea

I spent the latter part of Spring Break week on the coast, taking in the salty air and all it's amazing energy.  When I'm by the sea I feel safe, I'm home...much like the fog in this picture I took, I feel all the craziness of the world is left just outside of it's boundaries...for at this moment in time, it can't touch me.  I'm at peace, I found my Serenity.  Where do you go to feel safe, where do you feel like you're home?

Moving Forward and Opening up...

As most of you know, from reading my latest blog post, I'm in what I call "The Space Between". That space of not knowing, between the end of the old and the beginning of the new.  It's a place we often find ourselves when we are going through a time of growth and expansion.  It's that moment when we are to choose between fear and love.  I've made my choice and with it comes more layers to shed on my personal healing journey.

The Space Between...

That is what my love and I call that space where we meet in the middle, when there's a little give and take, where together we co-create our life and...where magick happens.  I feel this is where I've been these past few weeks. You know that space of unknowing, between the end of the old and the beginning of the new.

The Space Between...

where I've closed one chapter of my life and have begun another...yet its illusive.  What I do know is that I'm clearing, purging, letting go of what no longer serves me.  I know I don't have to wake up and check in and go about my work day anymore.  I know, that is gone, that part of my life doesn't exist anymore.

But the new...

that is still coming to be...I'm still that blank canvas, coming from nothing...the possibilities are limitless.  Yet, I feel I'm in limbo, though I'm co-creating my life with the Universe, the steps are tiny.  Definitely not all falling into place as quickly as I'd like...there are moments of fear and moments of awe in anticipation of who I am becoming as I shed what needs to be shed.

Deep in my heart...

I know that in this space is where I need to remind myself (often) to stay heart centered...to live from the space of knowing we are taken care of and that I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be. Remembering to be grateful for all the "magickal daily blessings" that we are blessed with everyday, that miracles do occur and that what lies ahead of me is bigger and better than what I have left behind.  That what ever unfolds, will be aligned with my soulwork. 

Spring is here...

our plum tree is blooming, as are the daffodils and hyacinths.  And like Mother Earth...I too am awakening to the new, as my beginning unfolds before me.

Becoming a Blank Canvas...

Coming into the New Year, I knew this year would hold some big transformation for me.  I got that my word for this year would be around purging, cleansing...well, transformation...though I didn't really know what to expect.  Shortly, after these words came to me...I did one of Amy's Word Goddess Readings...this is my third year doing this and it's been so right on the last two, that's it's become part of my New Year's ritual.  That reading confirmed the messages I was getting...

The Grace and Ease of 2014...

I have to start by saying that I’m in deep gratitude for having had a peaceful year.  I know it had a lot to do with living into my words of the year...Grace and Ease.  I mean shit happens and it did happen but the drama, high emotions and all that come with it were much more even keel and more flowing. They moved through me, I acknowledged them, felt them, lived them and released them…unlike the past.

My year started on a positive note...

as we were able to consolidate, reduce and rise above the expenses we incurred to make our 10 year plan a reality…May 27th marked our first year here in Southern Oregon.  Though the year went by fast…we were able to really settle into our new home.  Enjoying our property, it’s fruits, tranquility, and magick.  I've come to really enjoy my morning strolls around our land, as we’ve come full circle. I’ve watched each season change and enjoyed each of their unique offerings…

From the late Fall stillness
 of 2013 when we first moved in... 

   

          To peaceful frosty Winter
                 that followed…

To the magnificent Spring blossoms of the fruit trees to the various blooms from bulbs…

To the abundance of Summer fruits that our land yield…

To the stunning Fall colors all around us...
and back to the late Fall stillness again, as we welcome the Winter Solstice once more…

I feel very blessed to have a running creek...

in our back yard, it’s magickal offerings are limitless…from the peaceful trickling sounds to the rushing powerful gushing after the heavy rains…to the soft flow almost stillness in midsummer.
We feel much gratitude and feel blessed with our new home and have lots of dreams around landscaping and adding to our orchard…as we did this year with the addition of new plants and fruit trees. Our dream is with every year to add a little more…and ultimately become self-sufficient as much as we possibly can.

Mid January we welcomed home...

our new addition to the family...Kaia Arena (Hawaiian for Sea, Spanish for Sand).  She has been so unlike any of our other Labs, she's full of energy, but amazingly smart.  After 19 years of having a lab around...the house felt extremely empty...and after dreaming of my beloved Zia and Auraluna, welcoming a new puppy...I knew it was time to invite another fur soul into our home...

In mid-Spring just before...

our anniversary we deepened our connection…in a way that redefined our relationship.  As I said above shit happens…and life gets in the way, kids, jobs, stresses...and like some we tend to get caught up in the day to day stuff, that we forget to make connecting and sharing a priority.  We’re blessed we have a good foundation and strong bond beyond this plane, as he is my Anam Cara, my soul friend, and I his. There is a deep sense of belonging and recognition between us. We seem to understand and accept one another for who we are and what we are capable of becoming and we know we are at home in each other's arms.  That strengthens our relationship but we are learning the importance of making time for us in this crazy busy life.

Mid year I realized that in order to live into Grace and Ease…

I needed to let go and let be in many ways…one of which was to let go of having to finish a project before I could delve into the next.  You see, I have much to share in my heart but I get caught up in the have to’s…thinking if I didn’t follow through before dipping into the next project, I’d be a procrastinator…which is sooo not me, and it’s sooo not the case.  In fact, what revealed itself to me was that one creative venture will feed my soul and inspire me to go back and work on the other, sort of getting the creative juices flowing again.  Ultimately what I realized is that allowing the creative juices to flow in what ever means they need to, even if it’s not completing my first project before starting into another or even others, is a way for me to continue to share from my heart.  Sometimes it seems the inspirations and information come faster than I can make the time to put it all down into words…and so finding what works best for me allowed me to find Grace and Ease in it. I created my first eBook..."ll Steps to Creating Affirmations using 11 Principles"...with my first eCourse Creating and Maintaining Sacred Space close behind, it launched this month as part of a Holiday Happiness Virtual Retreat.

Grace and Ease showed up the strongest...

when I started my journey into Bloom True with Flora Bowley.  A painting course that was much, much more.  Amazing things started to happen as I learned to get out of my own way…allowed myself to be guided from my heart more while painting without a defined purpose other than to be open to intuitive guidance.  I have a quote I put up by my desk 2 years ago…”The more I live from my heart center, the easier it will become to live from there more often”.  I strive to let my heart lead the way but sometimes like most, I let my negative talk get the best of me.  But I’m learning and in doing so once again finding Grace and Ease within the unfoldings of my life.

Spider woman was my guiding Goddess this year…

her lessons around community show up for me as I connected with my local community and found like minded souls to share time with.  Our Art nights have been fun creating for just the sake of creating in community and my Yoga classes developed into a wonderful friendship with my Yoga teacher.  Spider woman also shared with me her teachings about our spiritual connection to one another and beyond.  

“In ancient times, Spider Woman wove together the reality of our world, casting a giant matrix of energy lines throughout the entire universe with fibers of light and power. When you dance on her web in one part of the world, your vibration is felt all the way to the other side. If someone is being negative on one side of the world, you feel it in some inexplicable way. When you create beauty and power, this also goes out on her web like a pulse of energy that recreates itself around the world. Shamans have always known how to use their luminous fibers to move along Spider Woman’s web to meet with another and with the great masters of enlightenment.” – Lynn Andrews

I nurtured my intuition a lot this year, in various ways, not only with intuitive painting classes (I’m also in the mist of Shamanic Trance painting with Pixie Whitehorse) to my certifications with Doreen Virtue.  Strengthening my Clairvoyance, I’m much more Claircognizance then the other clairs though.  As well as becoming a Advanced Certified Angel Card Reader…which really empowered my readings, and becoming a Realm Reader, which is so much fun and I enjoy doing.  It has shed light to understanding more about myself and others.

Fox, my Animal Spirit Guide...

for the year has also taught me some much needed lessons. Like thinking outside the box, she encouraged me to be more creative and approach circumstances differently then I would normally…which again helped me to move throughout the year with Grace and Ease.  I am starting to see my habits and ways of reacting and learning to take a different course of action.  I learned and still am learning how to go with the flow more instead of creating waves of resistance.  Or like Radleigh Valentine (CACR teacher) says, finding the good in the challenges…they are always there, it’s just about whether you choose to see them or not.

Which brings me to my Magickal Daily Blessings Jar…

which if you remember I started at the beginning of the year.  It's become full of my daily blessings…but I have to be honest and admit I did skip a few days here and there.  But what's most important about the exercise was that on those sucky days…when I could hardly muster up a smile…I did…I found something to feel blessed about and that helped the day flow with Grace and Ease.

The last few weeks…

have been pretty amazing too.  We were able to take a Holiday vacation down south and visit with our daughter.  This was the first time in the 4 years since she moved out that we were able to visit where she now calls home…Southern California…it was a wonderful family reunion...and it gave me peace in my heart to not only know but see how well she's done for herself. 

I also was invited to be one of the Spiritual Teachers for the Holiday Happiness Virtual Retreat…something that was new and different for me.  I’ve never participated in anything like this for my fear of “being seen” and fear of public speaking.  But I was able to offer my gifts through the written word and that brought me much joy.  We created a book with my Lotus Mandala art on the cover, sharing Spiritual Practices we, the Spiritual Teachers, do to help us get through the Holidays and beyond.  I look forward to working with Dr. Monique in 2015 sharing my gifts even further through the Spirit Guide Institute program she’s putting together.  More to come on this later!   

I’m still working on the “being seen” which I’ve now

come to realize that it’s more about “being heard”…since I’ve become pretty comfortable with pictures of myself…I even had to let go of my uncomfortableness with full body pictures this year. Despite my ambivert way of being I ventured out to a workshop in Portland Oregon, offered by my ARTbunance Mentor Marney from ARTella Land, I got to finally meet her in person, as well as my Mentor Nanleah and connected with some wonderful ACT alumni.  It was a fun day full of discovery and self exploration, I met some Amazing, Magickal and Powerful women that day.

But yes…being heard, it’s not about being seen so much anymore.  It’s taken me a while like I said to show myself in pictures but the past few years I’ve become comfortable with selfies and love the idea of capturing not just the magick in life with my camera, but also me in that moment or any moment in my life.  You see not everybody knows my struggles with self image.   I was petite and thin all of my life…up to the last 10 years.  At which time life got really stressful and scary for quite a few months and before I knew it,  I gain a tremendous amount of weight and have struggled with trying to release it for the past 10 years.  You’d think after these years of trying so hard to shed the weight only to fail over and over again, I'd accept that this is who I am now…but I haven't, as ridiculous as it sounds...after being thin for the first 40 years of my life, I’m not comfortable in this new skin.  I do my best to hold the vision of vibrant health and use my oils and other modalities to accept and move through life as I continue on my own healing path.  And yes...I'm still working through the being heard part as well, but that's a story for another time.

So now with only a couple weeks left in the year...

I bring closure to yet another year gone by, only this one was a little more magickal then the rest, cos’ despite all the stuff that happened, because life happens to all of us…magick happened too this year. I will sit with these lessons some more and reflect on anything else that wants to show up for me as the year comes to an end.  Then I’m taking the lessons and the tools I’ve been given this year and putting them into my Medicine Bag where there they will mixed and matched with my other tools and be readily available to me when I need them most. 

I hope your 2014 was filled with magick too, that you grew and expanded in ways you never thought possible...and if not, I hope you received the gifts you were meant to and that your 2015 is filled with Love, Joy, Creativity and Magick ❤︎