Becoming a Blank Canvas...

Coming into the New Year, I knew this year would hold some big transformation for me.  I got that my word for this year would be around purging, cleansing...well, transformation...though I didn't really know what to expect.  Shortly, after these words came to me...I did one of Amy's Word Goddess Readings...this is my third year doing this and it's been so right on the last two, that's it's become part of my New Year's ritual.  That reading confirmed the messages I was getting...

My word Goddess for this year is...

NYAI LORO KIDUL..."the Indonesian Sea Goddess that was once a woman...Goddess of the Detox! The sea washed away all that past conditioning, and allowed Nyai Loro Kidul to let her victim (the silenced part of herself) step to one side, so that she could finally sing her song. "

Yep...I too thought, how appropriate.  I researched her and contemplated the words that accompanied my reading...

SONG, CLARITY, RELEASE, DETOX, TRANSFORMATION

But none really spoke to me...then the word Sea Change came to me...so I looked up it's meaning...Profound Transformation.

I said YES...

I'm ready.  I'm ready to stop reliving and feeding into my story...we all have a story...but we don't have to continue to be a victim of it...we can acknowledge it, honor it for the strength it's given us and put it to rest...it's what we lived through, for some it's what we survived, but it's in our past...we can't change any of that.  Some say, it's too painful, ignore it, pretend it never happened...but you know what...it has a way of sneaking up on us if we are not complete with it, so I say acknowledge it for what it was.  Some say, change your story, recreate it, I say honor it, it's made you who you are today...it strengthened you in some way, embrace it. Others choose to relive it over and over again, giving away their power, I say put it to rest, it
will always be part of us...part of our past, but it doesn't have to be part of our future.

I said Yes...I'm ready to release negative thought patterns that's kept me small and silent, like Nyai Loro Kidul, I choose to let my song sing me...and so I opened my arms and heart and told the Universe I was ready...and it heard me...loud and clear.

I ended 2014 and started 2015...

having to set clear boundaries with my parents...something that was hard but needed to be understood and accepted, once and for all.  It's a toxic relationship that needed to be severed...one can only forgive so many times.  And forgiveness does NOT give the person who hurt us a free pass to continue to do so over and over again...and so the tie was severed.

I was sick...

for a few weeks in January into February...I felt like I was purging a lot physically...my asthma has been so flared ever since.  I know it totally relates to my Throat Chakra being blocked or at least not being completely open...so...I've been voicing my thoughts and feelings, you know speaking my truths...even if it feels uncomfortable or even scary at times.  And my dreams...wow, they have been so vivid...recounting past abuses, hurts, broken hearts...again it feels like I'm purging, feeling it and releasing it all.

So Water has been...

a huge elemental force in my life so far this year.  I've been moved to use sea salts scrubs to help cleanse and release.  The sea calls to me too. I've been working with water energy and of course being from the Mystic MerFae Angelic Realm...I've been surrounded by lots of Mermaid energy lately, as the Faes and Angels continue to watch over me.

And today...

Well...I've been pulling daily cards...today's cards were about being Adrift, going with the flow and Blessed Change...when I read more into the cards I thought it was odd as they were alluding to a big life change...I knew that this year was going to be about huge changes but I guess I wasn't ready for the phone call today, that ended my "day job"...yes, after 17 years...I was laid off due to lack of work, my job that brought in a steady paycheck, I can no longer count on.   Part of me feels like totally freaking out, how in the world will I bring in the income that we just lost...and then the other part of me knows...the Universe has my back, it will provide for us not matter what. The cards, signs and daily miracles have confirmed this...for a while now.

I've been telling myself...

to breathe...reminding myself to inhale love, exhale fear.  I started chanting Surrender. Embrace. Trust. Release. I adopted this practice from one of my Goddess Sisters Ginger White.  I see much similarities in our journeys...as she shares her journey on her blog.  This particular post she shared on how she uses her Mala and chants similar words, when she feels anxious and worried, totally spoke to my heart, so I've added it to my medicine bag.  I've tried many tools to find inner peace... nevertheless, my IBS seems to still flare up, as it has today, and as it always does in times of stress...but I feel it could be much worse without the tools in my medicine bag. 

I told my Hubby...

how I feel like I'm just purging (a lot) and shedding all these layers...all the while wondering what will be left of me, will I even know who I am?  He said...that's the beauty of it, coming from a place of nothing is powerful. Like standing in a clearing where YOU can create from nothingness. What I here him saying is...that "nothing" is a clearing for self, like getting out of your own way...which
frees the self from the negative thought patterns and stuff which don't serve us anymore and holds us back.  Coming from a place of "nothing" is like being a blank canvas where anything is possible... yet, like the blank canvas we stare at before we make that first mark on it with paint...it's intimidating...it feels bigger than life and it's scary.

Tomorrow is a new beginning...

reflecting on what I learned in Bloom True...it's time for me to listen to my heart song, trust my intuition, dance to my own beat and just paint!  Remembering that this is the first layer and like all my paintings...I too will keep transforming, the possibilities are endless.

I am willing to acknowledge my fear...
           I am willing to embrace my profound transformation...