Returning to Love...

The other day I was on Periscope and caught a snip bit of Gabby's (Gabrielle Bernstein) Wanderlust talk.  The part that stuck with me is when she shared how when ever she'd go through some dark times in her life that is when she turned to "God"...Divinity, Higherself what ever name you have chosen to give it.   Only in her time of need would she turn to her Higher Power, connect to Source and ask for help.

That's the first time I realized...

That I'm the complete opposite...I live everyday connected to source...but when I hit a rough patch in my life...that's when I disconnect.  I have observed many people go through life so disconnected with the Divine...so oblivious of the miracles all around them everyday.  There are some people who don't
even raise their eyes to the sky to appreciate the miracle of a new day or the beauty of a sunset...let alone the magickal glow of a full moon.  I take Spirit walks, barefoot breathe and I even have a practice I call Magickal Daily Blessings to name a few.   My connection runs deep...it's always been there. I mostly connect to Source through nature and my creativity.  I remember even as a child I would sit amongst the huge oak tree in the school yarn feeling safe and protected within it's sentinel energy.  I knew that the "God" I was being raised to believe in was so much more, than I was being taught.

So why, why when I need to be connected...

to Love the most, do I unplug, pull away.  That answer has alluded me, as I sit here once again detached, feeling alone as I face the struggles of our finances, the physical limitations of my body, and my inability to make a difference in our current financial situation.

Life happens...it always does...

we learn our lessons, or try to, cos if you don't show up, it keeps showing up, like Gabby put it.  But we move through the happenings...there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, always. Trust me, I've been through so much in my life and no matter how dark it got, that light always came.

My lesson then, that I can't seem to learn, is to move through these times with grace and ease...to turn to love and not fear.  To stop spiraling into the illusions that the mind creates when we give into fear.

But that is easier said than done...

We fall into our stories, our limiting beliefs.  I have been a doer all of my life, I grew up way too fast, not by choice.  I was my parents guardian at a very young age...I didn't have a normal childhood. For me it's hard to connect to the innocence of childhood.  I had responsibilities bigger than me and I've continued to be "responsible".  I don't know how to be...let go and go with the flow.  Yet, ever since I lost my "day job" that's exactly what I'm being called to do...just be.

Normally, when I would be in a similar situation, I'd just do what had to be done to take care of the kids and I.  I've been known to work 3 jobs and run myself ragged, sacrifice a lot to come out the other side...not to fall down on my knees and ask for a Miracle...not to trust that all will be well and the Universe will provide...I provided with my own blood, sweat and tears.  Or at least...that's how it felt, in the end the light did come but not without a price.  I've lost my homes, yes homes, car, career.  It's hard to not give into fear when you know what it's like to have major losses.  All I know is how to survive despite them...not thrive.

Yet, doing it that sort of way...  

isn't an option for me this time. There are some days I wake up and can't move, my back is stiff where I hardly can get out of bed or my hands are painful, numb and weak.  I can't sit or stand for long periods of time without being in terrible pain in my back. I have chronic neck, shoulder and knee pain.  Holding down a regular job is not something I can do in this body anymore.   And so, I find myself spiraling...falling into the victim mode and blaming the Universe for giving me such a shitty hand at life.   Yeah, I get it, I should be much more grateful than I am...I have plenty to be grateful for.  There are plenty of people worse off than I.  But in the moment of fearfulness...I can't begin to compare, I loose site of what I have and see the lack fall into a scarcity mindset.

In my heart, I know I'm a co-creator of my life...

I've seen when I'm in alignment with Divinity how Miracles do happen.  I've witnessed the power of my words or my intention.  And I know, as hard as it is to accept, that I created this reality AND I can shift it.  I also know that the key is to return to Love...to God, Divinity what ever you choose to call it.  I can see though that this time...despite seeing the signs, I allowed myself to spiral just a little to far and taking the first step back seems incredibly hard.  Once we give in to our limiting beliefs and fall into victim mode, the first step back is always the hardest.

So how do I do it...

I come back to my Spiritual practices. Smudge...cleans and clear my energy. Meditation...though I still have monkey mind, spending time meditating ever day brings me one step closer to Love shifts my thoughts even if it's for those few moments.  Chanting as well as using Essential oils help raise my vibration again aligning me with my Higherself.  Yoga, brings me back into my body, helps me gain mobility, connects my Mind, Body and Spirit AND pushing myself to go do Yoga with others...again puts me one step closer to Love through community.  Art...either painting at the canvas or in my art journal...connects me with my feelings and the intentions I want to embrace, sharing it with others inspires them to do the same.  Sometimes...all I can do is the simple act of lighting a candle or going outside and sitting in silence...that in itself is a step closer to Love. 

Return to Love...

once we do, we start to thrive not just survive...we let go of the attachments to what hasn't worked out the way we planned and we open ourselves up to receiving inspiration and start to create our lives in a different way.  This is my hardest lesson...but I am showing up.