I'm was forced to feel the true meaning of my word for the year..."Trust" trusting the Universe would take care of me especially during the rough times...
I've had the most scariest few days of my life...well, if you don't count having a normal Birth go south within seconds...baby's in distress and finding yourself in the mist of an emergency C-section...bleeding out and needing a blood transfusion...but you know that all happened so fast that I didn't have time to get scared...at least not until I was able to sit and look back on it all, but then it was all over and I was holding a beautiful baby boy in my arms. What I'm talking about here is spending a few days wondering, freaking out and waiting for results.
Like most women my age I'm asked to have routine Mammograms...I had my baseline one and then became pregnant, breast fed, moved, in other words life happend and I didn't get another. Now, I've been told that now they only have us get a baseline one at 40 and then again at 45 so really I'm only a year late for mine. So anyway, I scheduled myself for one a few days ago...while there, the gal was raving about their new digital machine and how wonderful and improved the images were. I told her they should have improved on the "squeezing" part of the procedure, anyway, being a former Radiology Tech myself, I had to peek around to the monitors and see. Never seeing a mammogram image but seeing enough Xrays to "know too much"...I saw a suspicious spot on my left breast film.
Now, having a medical background is a curse sometimes and a blessing at others...this time it was a curse. When I got home I hopped on the internet (which too can be a curse at times)...and looked up Fibromas and Cysts...and of course the big C...breast cancer. I was beside myself, for what I found was the image I saw on my left breast. A white 7-8mm round dense spot with thin little legs coming out of it...the images on the internet referred to this as being cancer...calling it a starburst effect. The photos of cysts that came up...were more grayish, sort of see through which my spot was not.
I was terrified didn't want to say anything for fear I could be right...and waited...and then the call back came. My NP told me that they found a suspicious spot on my outer left breast and they wanted more images...she said the good news is that it's not clusters...what ever that meant I had no idea. All sorts of thoughts came through my head and I could not stop the downward spiral, I was full of fear and in shock. But I kept breathing, I resorted to my yoga, meditation, prayer...and most of all friendship support.
Of course, had I not seen the image, I'd of taken the news more lightly and went with it...but having seen what I saw on the image and found what I did on the internet, I couldn't help but be convinced I had it. I couldn't get an appointment until next Monday, but I called and asked to be contacted if there were any cancellations, and it so happened there was one for today, so I took it. Now, I whole heartedly believe in the power of prayer and I did share my fears with close friends and one of my group of sisters on FB. I needed to hear if others went through this and how they handled the waiting and freaking out. I'm so blessed to be surrounded by such loving and powerful women, who are so supportive, brave and such beautiful souls...thank you.
Then the Miracle happened...I'm still in awe and can't help but feel like I need an explanation...which I may never get...
They took 4 images...2 of which were magnified, painful, and not pleasant. It was a different gal this time, she didn't make much conversation but did tell me that she would have the Radiologist look them over while I waited and that we would go from there. Of course, I had to peek at the images as they were being taken...and there it was...or wasn't in this case. The spot that I clearly saw vividly in the earlier images...was gone...nothing. The image looked just like the right breast image did before, normal tissue images. I was in awe. She then asked that I wait in my robe while the Radiologist took a look.
I waited...then she returned and told me "everything looks normal...we'll see you in a year" I was stunned, grateful of course, but what happen to the spot. I must have looked at her like she was nuts or something. She asked me if I had been worried and I just shook my head, then she said it had been a while since my last images...and things change and sometimes they just need a closer look.
And so...it's my Miracle...while there may be an explanation for what ever the explicit image really was...I will never know. What I do know is, I'm no stranger to Miracles that's for sure, though I've had a hard life, I've been blessed with many Miracles, just when we least expected it, they come to us...and this one was another huge one for me!