Sunday, October 9, 2011

Creating From a Place of Power

A few weeks ago, I chose to make some shifts and focus on my nutrition, started introducing more greens and some superfoods in hopes to achieve some much needed healing and better health.  A week ago, I started tuning in to all the wisdom shared in the World's Biggest Summit hosted by Goddess Leonie, at the same time I found my way to Soul Art TV hosted by Laura Hollick, I've been absorbing all sorts of goodness and magick.  To those who have never experienced walking in their power, or being a Goddess or High Priestess or bottom line vibrating at a higher frequency, may think it's all New Age talk, in other words Woowoo stuff.  But I've been there, the girl that came from a mental and physical abusive childhood, who had her share of hardships and mishaps and bad luck as I called it.  The woman who struggled most of her life, through abusive partners, being a single mother, losing everything she worked for and so on...SHE actually felt what it was like to vibrate at such a high frequency where she was able to turn her life around and live her dreams, where she experienced synchronicity and miracles one after another, who moved mountains and created the life she wanted. So, what happened...a few days ago, I was in tears talking to my husband about how I have forgotten how to sparkle and how I didn't know what happened and how lost I am in finding my power again. 

My story...

I spent the first 30+ years of my life in darkness, went through lots of crap.  Ten years ago, I went through a powerful Inner Child workshop with Geoff Laughton.  It was so powerfully empowering to work through my childhood stuff, I learned how our own noise (thoughts formed from our past experiences) can take control and put us in a negative downward spiral that can be so debilitating.  I learned a lot during that weekend.

It propelled me forward to accept that I was worthy and capable of creating the life I wanted.  In the year that followed, there was major shifts in my life, I was able to purchase a home, despite I had just gone through a foreclosure and lost everything a few years earlier. I was able to forgive and have a better relationship with my parents, my finances shifted and I was in awe how my life was coming together and the things that were manifesting.

But the most magickal part was when I met my husband, my soulmate, through eharmony an online dating service, he was the first guy I dated through the site.  It was magickal from day one, though scary, I kept getting total conformation from the Universe that it was right and so we moved mountains together and within 3 months we were married.  Despite the fact that when we met we lived miles apart, everything started flowing for us and we made it happen. We both held each other up and supported one another in a way I have never experienced before, we shined in each others company...here's our soulmate discussion on our wedding site.

Then I experienced my first dark night of the soul...a week after we got married he suffered 3 strokes.  It was a shock, unexpected by either of us.  The next 6 months were the hardest months of my life and his.  I was scared, stressed and a total mess, so much so that I gained 50lbs!  After weeks of tests, he was finally diagnosed with Patent Foramen Ovale (he was born with a hole in his heart).  He went from having no recollection of who I was to being 99% fully recovered, as he puts it.  But during that time I believe he lost a piece of himself, it shattered his world and with it a piece of our connection.  

We continued to move forward, he found an excellent job, I started my own business, we purchased our first home, invested in an Alpaca ranch, and when we let go and accepted that we would not be able to conceive, we were blessed with a beautiful baby boy! 

That's when I experienced my second dark night of the soul...I have two older children, though I had drugs when I gave birth to my daughter it was a normal birth, my second birth was all natural, it went so fast the nurse delivered him since the doctor never made it in time....but this baby came into the world in a very traumatic way, it was an emergency C section, he was in distress and our world shifted from an aromatherapy scented dim lite room with angelic music playing to a cold, bright antiseptic surgery room.  I feared the worse, so scared that I would loss him.  During labor, I had lost a lot of blood and then suffered from a severe asthma attack while recovering from the anesthesia. I was kept from him for 4 hours, due to the blood loss, I had a blood transfusion and spent 5 days in the hospital regaining my strength.  It took me 2 years to recover from the physical pain I suffered, and the postnatal depression which was only worsened by not being able to bond with my baby during his first hours on earth, took me on a downward spiral.  He has grown and developed extremely well thank Goddess.

Again, we continued to move mountains, purchased our first Ranch with our dream home on it, really, it was the home we envisioned on our dream board.  We purchased more Alpacas and watched our children grow.

 Though we had the joy of having a new baby in our home, who was born a few days before my daughter graduated from High School, it was also bittersweet to see my first born leave the nest and start a life of her own.  Within a few months the shifting economy hit home, my "day job" was struggling to keep me busy to when the baby was 6 months old I took on a new challenge, I went back to school.  Though I graduated with honors, the learning curve was so huge, I could not find a job in the field I had studied.  The failure only added to the stress.

The three years that followed became more and more financially challenging, and I found myself losing ground even more, giving into fear, self doubt, sabotaging our ability to create the life we wanted and living our dreams.  Before we knew it we found ourselves in a foreclosure, a combination of the economy going south, no raises or cost of living allowances, and finally going into more debt from relocating and financially assisting my parents after my Dad had experienced some strokes. During this time I once again faced mental abuse from my parent, bring up those feeling of not being good enough.  So, my health just continued to worsen, my weight has gone up and down, but I can not release the extra weight, I have been diagnosed with adrenal fatigue, IBS, have allergies that I've never had before, insomnia and suffer from chronic pain. 

But still we pushed forward, we were blessed with another eminence miracle and we were able to pay off our debts, found a small ranch home to rent and were able to keep our family together, which included our Alpacas.

In the past few months my hours have been cut back and the financial security of my "day job" is questionable.  I am tired, tired of riding this roller coaster where there are times I tap into that place of power and we create miracles and then there are times when I'm confronted with a set back and all my noise comes rushing in and once again I find myself losing ground

So today, 3 days before my birthday (by the way, 3 is a very powerful number for me), I sit here revisiting the past 8 years and choosing courage over fear, sharing my truth and putting it out there into the Universe and consciously choose to start creating from a place of power once again.  Am I scared of failing?  You betcha!  But I'm not giving into that fear, not any more.   I may not be able to afford to have my life coach, coach me through this, but I will make it.  I know that with every little step I take toward embracing the Goddess/High Priestess that I know I can be, will lift my vibration that much more so I can sparkle once again.  In the meantime, I will continue to share my truth, and surround myself with empowering women, who have helped me remember and continue to support and inspire me with their stories and their wisdom everyday in ways that they will never know.  I have every intention to continue to speak my truth, no matter how scared I am, no matter how much that "noise" comes up, until I am once again walking in my power.

I'm ready.  I'm ready to let go of the fear and self doubt, I'm ready to listen once again, I'm ready to step into my power...bring it on!

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