Sunday, May 8, 2011

Happy Mothers's Day...

Today I celebrate my Motherhood!  I have three wonderful and beautiful children who chose me to come through into this world.  I am eternally grateful to have been blessed and given the gift to become a Mother to these three beautiful souls, who have taught me much about love and life though the innocence and wisdom all children posses. I also still hold a light in my heart for the two precious souls I lost. 

When I opened my daughter's Mother's Day card today I cried, the words in the card touched my heart and soul so deeply.  I've often questioned what kind of Mother I've been and am to my kids, since I didn't have a Mother image to look up to, someone who offered unconditional love, admiration, encouragement, support, and all the things a child wants and needs from their Mother.  I was a single Mom for most of my daughter's life, we didn't have much and struggled lots and despite doing the best I could, I wondered how our relationship would affect her in her own life as she moved out and experienced the world.  Since I have come to see that the lack of Mothering in my life left me trying to heal feelings of self-worth and enoughness.  So after reading the card, I felt a wave of emotions and a calling to share.

Mom, from you I have learned that fearlessness isn't about being unafraid, it's about doing what needs to be done in spite of the fear... Today I celebrate your Bravery.
From you I have learned that being strong isn't about being unbreakable, it's about picking up the pieces and creating something better and more beautiful than what was there in the beginning...Today I celebrate your strength.
Today I celebrate everything I've learned from you, my courageous and beautiful Mom.
~thank you for everything you've done for me and for always being there for me, you're the best Mom ever. 

I know these are just words, but they give me a sense of knowing that she's okay, despite the rough spots we experienced together.

Though my Mother is still alive, her lack of nurturing and the dysfunctional relationship we still have, leaves me grieving for the child in me that never truly experienced a Mother's love.  The child that lived in fear of the next violent episode of abuse, cruelty and belittling.  I believe she did the best she could at the time; and it sadness me that she continues to fall back into the pattern of manipulation and her dysfunctional ways that lead to pain and hurt.   So, the emptiness still exists despite my many attempts at healing, forgiving and trying to move on and building a new and different type of relationship now that I'm older.   I know there will always be sadness and even pity in my heart for the Mother I have and  for her Mother and her Mother before, for they missed out on the true joy of being a Mother and embracing the gift they were given.  Today, I rejoice in knowing I broke free from the line of dysfunction, that has tainted my maternal line.  Today I celebrate my Motherhood. So for those of us who still carry a space of emptiness from the lack of being Mothered, I dedicate this song  to us and our healing process, from our Mother Goddess.

This is to Mother You...

This is to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you
This is to be with you
To hold you and to kiss you too
For when you need me I will do
What your own mother didn't do
Which is to mother you
All the pain that you have known
All the violence in your soul
All the 'wrong' things you have done
I will take from you when I am come
All mistakes made in distress
All your unhappiness
I will take away with my kiss, yes
I will give you tenderness
For child I am so glad I've found you
Although my arms have always been around you
Sweet bird although you did not see me
I saw you
And I'm here to mother you
To comfort you and get you through
Through when your nights are lonely
Through when your dreams are only blue
This is to mother you

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