And suddenly you know...

There's a saying..."You plan, God laughs"...I never truly got this until 6 months ago, when my world was turned upside down...when the life I thought I was living turned out to be an illusion.  This month would have marked our 13th year wedding anniversary instead it marks month 1...a new beginning.  Six months ago I could not see this day...in fact I could not even see the next hour, minute, second...

Sometimes the Universe shakes your world to it's core... 

when you are oblivious, unwilling to see or are avoiding the lessons you are meant to learn.  A few months ago my life was derailed in the biggest way.  What I perceived my life to be was now an illusion.  I felt as though the ground gave way under me and I was barely holding on.  I learned and am still learning some really hard lessons.

Betrayal whether from a friend or a loved one is the hardest pain to endure and the journey back to yourself is a long one.  I found myself wondering who I was.  I felt as though I lost my center...as if my inner compass was spinning out of control...I couldn't find my true north...my tether...gone.  I was deceived in the worst way.  The sad part was I knew there was something off, but the reality of it is, I ignored my intuition and allowed myself to be manipulated and victimized.  As I struggled to find solid ground and researched about betrayal and how to move through it...finding your way back in other words, I found there is much healing for me to do.

I didn't deserve what happened to me, no one does, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.  But my lack of self-love, my disconnect to my inner child...brought me to where I found myself 6 months ago.  Now I question who I am and where I'm going...last year striped me of so many things, the biggest loss was the trust in my relationship, the betrayal of my best friend and soulmate...now I find myself raw.  The past is too painful when I relive it knowing what I know now, the future...so unsure, so far away.  I still at times feel numb, frozen.

So where do you start when you can't find your bearings and your compass is spinning out of control...

Finding the Courage...

It has been my experience that when I get in the way of my dharma, my true purpose...the calling of my soul...the Universe continues to offer me opportunities to show up.  These opportunities may be presented in different ways but at the core...they are all supporting my one true calling.   Ego (fear) has played a big roll in holding me back and I've struggled...and still do, to show up in spite of it.  So, I want to share with you something beautiful that has come from an intention I set, finding the courage to make peace with my fear (it's a work in progress, mind you) and reclaiming my wildish nature.

My personal healing journey...

this past year lead me to much profound transformation, living into my word of the year Sea Change. I shared a little about it here.

My self-discovery and self-exploration process led me to the discovery of how by my pulling away and choosing a life of solitaire...mostly because I refused to conform to what some see as the "norm", thus for me it was easier to pull away and in doing so...I not only suppressed the calling of sisterhood; a calling I've heard for many years, but I also became disconnected from my inner Wild Woman.  Oh don't get me wrong...my
Wildness hasn't ever fully left me, it can't it's in all women...but she has been tamed to an extent.

On my journey, I found my way to the WILD Woman Project Founded by Chris Maddox and later I answered the call to become a Leader/facilitator of this amazing global movement. If you've been following my journey through my blog and Moonlight Living Pearl's of Inspiration, then you know when this all started, in early 2015, when I sent out a prayer.

I set an intention...

that I be surrounded by Priestesses... sisters, who are on a similar soul path as I am.   I asked that Women be attracted to me and my soul work, who can benefit from, being empowered by and feel support on their own journeys by my offerings.  I asked to be surrounded by these Priestesses...sisters, who are called to circle with me, as we support and nurture ourselves and one another, as well as embrace our Divine Feminine, our inner Goddess. Women who live in this space and walk this path, don't waste their time on negativity...judging, ridiculing or shaming another, instead we lift each other up, encourage each other when our fears become too big and pick each other up when we fall.  This is the connection I yearned for and this is the connection that is being gifted to me.

As the year unfolded...

I found I was meeting and connecting with exactly the women I called out to.  Little did I know when I set that intention that I would actually be leading Women Circles...but as the year progressed the calling to step into leadership became stronger than my fears.  And so, I went on a journey with some amazing women from around the world during my WILD Woman Circle Leadership training. It was powerful and needless to say...it reconfirmed that I'm on the right path once again.

Early December...

I'll be holding my first WILD Woman New Moon circle locally here in my home.  I'm so excited and honored to be doing so.  And yes...the fear does come up in waves...my chant of Surrender, Embrace, Trust, Release which I committed to reciting, earlier in the year, each time the waves of fear arise and holding on to my Why, supports me as I move forward.  Will I falter...probably...but I'm committed to "DIG" deep, find the courage and to stay connected...and with every baby step, I am coming home to myself more and more.

I know I'm fully in Deep Play right now...connected to my inner guidance as I continue to be inspired and guidance keeps coming.  I see this growing and blossoming...as I feel called to create self-guided personal New Moon Retreats, for those unable to attend my live circles due to distance or other reasons.  I also feel called to offer Full Moon gatherings where I'll be inviting guests to share some Creative Magick of their own.  Which brings me to another offering that's coming up in the new year...but more on that later.  For now I invite you to join my Wild Woman Tribe so that you can be informed when my local and virtual offerings are coming up as well as all of it's upcoming juicy offerings.

Sea Change...Profound Transformation

When I got Sea Change as myWord for the Year, I didn't even know what it meant, I had never heard of it before.  After a little research I found it's meaning to be Profound Transformation.  As the New Year began I moved through my Yearly Rituals...one of them being Amy Palko's Word Goddess reading.  Sure enough it too confirmed that Profound Transformation would find me this year.

My Word Goddess was...

Nyai Loro Kidul...Indonesian Sea Goddess...her words...song, clarity, release, detox and Transformation. "Nyai Loro Kidul’s presence over this year as a divine invitation to disengage from the negative conditioning that is keeping you silent, so that you can choose to let your song sing you. Almost like a cultural or psychological detox where you can release any negative thought patterns
that are just not serving you."

And so it began...as the year unfolded...I was challenged to do a lot of releasing...some of which has been incredibly hard.  Like the loss of my "day job"...a job that was keeping me small and forcing me to give away my power...though it did provide a steady income...and it's been a long hard year financially for us.

My other Yearly Rituals involve...

Receiving my power animal for the year.  The Wolf graced me this year...Free Spirited, Path-finding, Community.  "The Wolf will teach you how to balance individuality with society"...(how appropriate is that for me). "The Wolf will also give you great stamina and perseverance."

And that it did...I had to muster up all I had, to show up...especially towards the end of the year when I just kept being challenged to show up...thank you Wolf for your gifts or stamina and perseverance. What I found myself doing was having to DIG Deep...but what I noticed was that it was different than my usual "just push through it" attitude. Brené Brown nailed it in her book the "Gifts of Imperfection", which I'm currently reading.  There she explains that when we live whole heartedly and find ourselves exhausted and overwhelmed...we DIG Deep..but in a different way.

I became more Deliberate in my thoughts and behaviors and I did this through Sacred Practices...meditation, prayer, setting intentions on the New Moons and releasing on the Full Moons. I even invited Creative Magick into my life more than ever before...through Spinning and Knitting, Super Soul Journey with Whitney Freya and concluding these last 100 days of the year with the commitment of Art Journaling everyday.

I was Inspired to step out of my comfort zone, see the world through new eyes, make different choices, some of which were difficult but sometimes we have to do what we have to do.  Others which challenge my Fears...especially that of not being seen and heard.

And the last as she puts it Going...taking action.  And I have in various ways...one of which was taking a Leadership training class.  I'll will be completing my Wild Woman Circle Leadership training and become a part of an International Community...The Wild Woman Project.  Our bible is "Women Who Run With Wolves"...thank you again Wolf medicine.

I also choose a Mantra to live into and mine was "I am Open".  I recited it often...especially when I felt challenged and overwhelmed and when I wanted to invite new possibilities and opportunities for growth and expansion.  And they came, hard and deep and I embraced each one.

My journey this year has been...

a challenging one to say the least...from the news of my Pre-diabetic diagnose, to the challenges of letting go my most precious companions of the past 20 years...my familiar WillowMyst and our little wise woman Raja. I suppose I really wasn't prepared for the immense transformations that have
occurred for me...but even still, as tears burn down my face while typing this...I...have ...felt...guided.  Even when I felt I hit rock bottom and questioned my existence on this plane...I still was guided to answers...to healing.

And so as the year is rounding down to an end...I continue to DIG Deep...Be Open...and let Sea Change wash over me...

"Embracing the Earth and Moon Energies She ignited her
Passion Reclaimed her Magick and invited
Sea Change to wash over her." ~Allurynn 

What lessons have you learned this past year?  How have you been guided to walk though this life existence?

New Moon in Libra...

Today marks 50 years, I've been on this Earthly plane and at 8:06 pm EST the exact New Moon in Libra!

The Libra New Moon activates the Principle of Balance...where do you need more balance in your relationships? The Libra New Moon is perfect for exploring how to invite more pleasure, sensuality and beauty and bring balance in all your relationships by tapping into the Archetype of the Goddess Venus or her Greek counterpart Aphrodite.

 This is a time to ask yourself where can you...

deepen your relationships...find balance between Mind, Body and Spirit.  Your relationships with the people in your life...and your relationship with your body, your finances, your home, your car, even your business, as well as your relationship to Spirit.

Look to see where you can be...

more softer, understanding, more connected, experience more pleasure and joy. 

Resources to help you dig deeper this Libra New Moon

Lisa Micheals ~ Elemental Forces of Creation

Mystic Mamma ~ A clear channel and reflective well of wisdom

Here's the Essential oil blend I created for this New Moon in Libra...

to maintain a balance between our Mind, Body and Spirit. 

Geranium

~ Oil of Love and Trust, it connects the logical mind to the heart, instills unconditional love and fosters trust.

Bergamot 

~  Oil of self-acceptance, teaching us to let go of self-judgement and offering us courage to share the inner-self

Rose 

~ Oil of Divine Love, the highest frequency oil on the planet, it restores us to authenticity, wholeness and purity.

So, this New Moon harness it's energy, awaken to Venus and embrace balance!

"She raised her eyes up to the Moonless velvet sky...

then whispered her seeds of intention...

Magickally sowing them into the Universe." 

~Allurynn Daugherty

Returning to Love...

The other day I was on Periscope and caught a snip bit of Gabby's (Gabrielle Bernstein) Wanderlust talk.  The part that stuck with me is when she shared how when ever she'd go through some dark times in her life that is when she turned to "God"...Divinity, Higherself what ever name you have chosen to give it.   Only in her time of need would she turn to her Higher Power, connect to Source and ask for help.

That's the first time I realized...

That I'm the complete opposite...I live everyday connected to source...but when I hit a rough patch in my life...that's when I disconnect.  I have observed many people go through life so disconnected with the Divine...so oblivious of the miracles all around them everyday.  There are some people who don't
even raise their eyes to the sky to appreciate the miracle of a new day or the beauty of a sunset...let alone the magickal glow of a full moon.  I take Spirit walks, barefoot breathe and I even have a practice I call Magickal Daily Blessings to name a few.   My connection runs deep...it's always been there. I mostly connect to Source through nature and my creativity.  I remember even as a child I would sit amongst the huge oak tree in the school yarn feeling safe and protected within it's sentinel energy.  I knew that the "God" I was being raised to believe in was so much more, than I was being taught.

So why, why when I need to be connected...

to Love the most, do I unplug, pull away.  That answer has alluded me, as I sit here once again detached, feeling alone as I face the struggles of our finances, the physical limitations of my body, and my inability to make a difference in our current financial situation.

Life happens...it always does...

we learn our lessons, or try to, cos if you don't show up, it keeps showing up, like Gabby put it.  But we move through the happenings...there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, always. Trust me, I've been through so much in my life and no matter how dark it got, that light always came.

My lesson then, that I can't seem to learn, is to move through these times with grace and ease...to turn to love and not fear.  To stop spiraling into the illusions that the mind creates when we give into fear.

But that is easier said than done...

We fall into our stories, our limiting beliefs.  I have been a doer all of my life, I grew up way too fast, not by choice.  I was my parents guardian at a very young age...I didn't have a normal childhood. For me it's hard to connect to the innocence of childhood.  I had responsibilities bigger than me and I've continued to be "responsible".  I don't know how to be...let go and go with the flow.  Yet, ever since I lost my "day job" that's exactly what I'm being called to do...just be.

Normally, when I would be in a similar situation, I'd just do what had to be done to take care of the kids and I.  I've been known to work 3 jobs and run myself ragged, sacrifice a lot to come out the other side...not to fall down on my knees and ask for a Miracle...not to trust that all will be well and the Universe will provide...I provided with my own blood, sweat and tears.  Or at least...that's how it felt, in the end the light did come but not without a price.  I've lost my homes, yes homes, car, career.  It's hard to not give into fear when you know what it's like to have major losses.  All I know is how to survive despite them...not thrive.

Yet, doing it that sort of way...  

isn't an option for me this time. There are some days I wake up and can't move, my back is stiff where I hardly can get out of bed or my hands are painful, numb and weak.  I can't sit or stand for long periods of time without being in terrible pain in my back. I have chronic neck, shoulder and knee pain.  Holding down a regular job is not something I can do in this body anymore.   And so, I find myself spiraling...falling into the victim mode and blaming the Universe for giving me such a shitty hand at life.   Yeah, I get it, I should be much more grateful than I am...I have plenty to be grateful for.  There are plenty of people worse off than I.  But in the moment of fearfulness...I can't begin to compare, I loose site of what I have and see the lack fall into a scarcity mindset.

In my heart, I know I'm a co-creator of my life...

I've seen when I'm in alignment with Divinity how Miracles do happen.  I've witnessed the power of my words or my intention.  And I know, as hard as it is to accept, that I created this reality AND I can shift it.  I also know that the key is to return to Love...to God, Divinity what ever you choose to call it.  I can see though that this time...despite seeing the signs, I allowed myself to spiral just a little to far and taking the first step back seems incredibly hard.  Once we give in to our limiting beliefs and fall into victim mode, the first step back is always the hardest.

So how do I do it...

I come back to my Spiritual practices. Smudge...cleans and clear my energy. Meditation...though I still have monkey mind, spending time meditating ever day brings me one step closer to Love shifts my thoughts even if it's for those few moments.  Chanting as well as using Essential oils help raise my vibration again aligning me with my Higherself.  Yoga, brings me back into my body, helps me gain mobility, connects my Mind, Body and Spirit AND pushing myself to go do Yoga with others...again puts me one step closer to Love through community.  Art...either painting at the canvas or in my art journal...connects me with my feelings and the intentions I want to embrace, sharing it with others inspires them to do the same.  Sometimes...all I can do is the simple act of lighting a candle or going outside and sitting in silence...that in itself is a step closer to Love. 

Return to Love...

once we do, we start to thrive not just survive...we let go of the attachments to what hasn't worked out the way we planned and we open ourselves up to receiving inspiration and start to create our lives in a different way.  This is my hardest lesson...but I am showing up.

White Peach Lavender Jam!

When ever I can, I love to make homemade yumminess from the goodness grown on our homestead.  Canning Jams and Jellies has become a tradition for me once the harvest season is upon us.  Blessed Lughnasadh by the way!

I've canned the traditional way...

in the past but the last three harvest seasons I have been using my Ball® FreshTECH Automatic Jam and Jelly Maker.  I'm not affiliated with Ball, I just love this little guy, it makes canning for me go much quicker, less chance of messing it up (I've had jams come out like runny syrup in the past before the Jam maker) and it makes small patches which is perfect for my family.

It came with an awesome recipe booklet...

and there are more recipes online at Ball.  But I also like playing around and tweaking them a little.  Last year I made Pear, Lemon Blue Berry, Blackberry, Apple Butter, Plum Lavender, Asian Plum Sauce and Chipotle Plum.  We had a huge Plum harvest last year.

Today was my first canning of the year...

We went Blackberry picking this morning and I just had to make some jam.  From there I made Pepper Jelly with Jalapenos from the garden and decided to give Peach Jam a try.  I had picked up some locally grown White Peaches and decided to add some of the Lavender we picked earlier this summer from The English Lavender Farm...one of my favorite local farms in the heart of the Applegate Valley.

Beautiful huh?

Okay, so for the recipe...

I followed the instructions for Peach Jam from the booklet and substituted some Lavender Tea (steeped Lavender flowers and stems) for some of the Peach.  I like to use the reduced Sugar recipe over the Traditional...but this time I didn't have as much peach on hand so I went with the Traditional.  I will still use 2/3 cups of Lavender Tea even if I use the reduced Sugar cos' I love the taste of Lavender.

Recipe: 

2 C Crushed Peaches
2/3 C Lavender Tea (see below)
3 Tbsp Ball' Real Fruit Classic Pectin
2 Tbsp Lemon Juice (it called for bottle but I used fresh)
1/2 tsp Butter
3 1/3 C Sugar

Lavender Tea

I just took 2 Tablespoons of Lavender buds, added the stems and poured 2/3 cups of hot boiling water over them.  I let it steep for 20 mins.  Strained it and used the tea.

I followed the rest of the directions in the booklet.  I have to admit that this batch is much sweeter than any Jams I've made before, so I will be trying this again with the Reduced Sugar recipe but none the less it came out deeeelish!

NOTE:  This recipe was adapted from the Ball Automatic Jam and Jelly recipe booklet.  I just love the various recipes I've found online, on how to make fun and tasty jams and jellies on this amazing little cooker that I wanted to contribute a small recipe of my own.  Enjoy!

Spin, Spin with Me!

First Spun and Plied Yarn

It's so interesting how simple activities can become practices of mindfulness and put you in a meditative state.  Two of my favorite practices are...Spirit walks...meditative walks where I am open to receiving signs from Spirit in the form of messages from the animal kingdom or from my elemental guides and Barefoot Breathing...deep breathing while my bare feet are firmly grounded on Mother Earth.  There's really something to being here now...in the moment, open to all that is.

Lately, I've found how Spinning yarn can be a practice

Hackle Fiber Processing Tool

in Mindfulness...a sort of Meditative practice. What is it, that draws me to the spinning wheel night after night? It's almost addicting.

Let me back up a minute though...as of about 2 weeks ago...I would say..."I'm not the spinner, my husband is, cause I can't spin".  I was convinced I would never be a spinner.  I tried a few years back when hubby and I began our journey to have a self-sustained/self-sufficient homestead.  After hubby learned to shear our Alpacas, he learned about the tools to process the fiber.  Then started handcrafting them and offering them in our Etsy shop.  Shortly after, he decided to purchase a spinning wheel, so we could spin up our processed fiber.  But for me it was a mission impossible.  I didn't have the patiences for it and just gave up.  But he...well, he turned into an amazing spinner and so...I'd say "I'm not the spinner, my husband is", when ever I was asked.